by Kerry Thomas
April 9, 2008
Wisconsin is so lucky to have a Big Brother like Jim Doyle.
When he was Attorney General, Brother Jim did his best to
save us from the evils of Big Tobacco (and Big Microsoft, too).
Brother Jim sued them for billions, and intended that that money be used
to pay for health care for all of us.
Brother Jim was critical of former governor Scott McCallum for using
that health care money to pay for the Legislature’s excessive spending
programs. Now that he’s facing a
similar budget crisis, Brother Jim is looking at that tobacco money in a new
light. Brother Jim even wants to tax
hospitals to pay for health care for us all.
Brother Jim is trying to ban smoking in all Wisconsin
businesses, because everyone should have a healthy, smoke-free workplace. After all, the people who work at a business
where smoking is still allowed aren’t smart enough to seek employment
elsewhere. People who do business in
such establishments aren’t smart enough to take their business to a smoke-free
business. Business owners who still
allow smoking in their establishments just haven’t seen the light yet. Brother Jim will take care of them all.
Brother Jim dismisses a new study that shows smoking bans
lead to an increase in drunk driving, as smokers drive farther to find places
where they can still light up. After
all, the study was conducted by the University of Wisconsin. Obviously, the study was flawed.
Brother Jim just signed a new law that mandates that any
cigarettes that are still sold in Wisconsin must be fire-safe (read that self-extinguishing). That means these cigarettes won’t cause
fires if dropped on the carpet by our elderly smokers. Brother Jim doesn’t think this will cause
smokers to smoke these cigarettes more intensely, instead of letting them burn
out in an ashtray.
Brother Jim cares about the farmers, too. He is pushing
ethanol as an alternative to petroleum-based fuels, to help farmers establish a
new market for their crops. It doesn’t
bother Brother Jim at all that it takes more energy to produce a gallon of ethanol
than that gallon produces in energy.
Brother Jim doesn’t even mind that ethanol reduces fuel mileage by about
10%. Brother Jim knows that mandated
use of ethanol is the only way the peons who don’t like ethanol will ever use
it.
Brother Jim just cares so much about everyone. Especially the children. So much of what Brother Jim does is for the children.
Brother Jim used to oppose expanded Indian gambling in
Wisconsin. But Brother Jim has seen the
light. He knows that in the long run,
giving the Indians a monopoly on gambling casinos in Wisconsin will actually
limit the total number of casinos in Wisconsin.
Brother Jim knows that not all laws are to be found in our
Constitution. That’s why he appoints
judges who will interpret the law according to what the law should have said,
not what the law actually says.
And Brother Jim knows the People of Wisconsin aren’t smart
enough to know how best to spend their own money. Brother Jim knows what is best for us all, so he should be
allowed to spend more of our money for us.
Whatever would Wisconsin do without Big Brother Jim?
[For those who are unfamiliar with my writings, this is a
completely sarcastic piece.]