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MAN-UAL:
An Owner's
by
a
division of TNASCO, Inc.,
9200
Longs Rd, Sayner, Wisconsin 54560
© 1997-2008 / Kerry Thomas
ALL
RIGHTS RESERVED
MAN-UAL:
An Owner's Guide To Men
Chapter 1 Men: What Are We Talking About
Chapter 2 Growing Up Male
Chapter 3 Male Bonding
Chapter 4 Women and the Men Who Love Them
Chapter 5 Sex?
Love? Whatever ...
Chapter 6 Maturity?
Chapter 7 Family Man
Chapter 8 Careers vs. Jobs
Chapter 9 Football
Chapter 10 Television and the Age of Man
Chapter 11 Men and Their Cars (Boys and Their Toys)
Chapter 12 The Male Body: Functions, Sounds and Design
Chapter 13 "All Men Are Assholes"
Chapter 14 The Exceptional Male
Chapter 15 Quick Troubleshooting
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Table of Contents)
MEN : WHAT
ARE WE
TALKING ABOUT
In case you haven't noticed,
or someone has tried to tell you otherwise, I have a news flash for you: Men and women are different! Yes, I know, there are people out there who
are trying to tell you otherwise, but please believe me when I tell you that
there are, indeed, differences between men and women. Always have been, and always will be.
Yes, there are the obvious differences, the physical attributes which serve to
delineate the male gender from the female gender. Women have mammary glands, while men have prostate glands. (Strangely enough, though, it is
uncomfortable for both men and women to have these glands examined by a
doctor.) Our reproductive organs are
different, and, generally, we differ in muscle mass and bone density.
But aside from these physical characteristics
there is also a fundamental difference between men and women. What makes a man a man (and a woman a
woman)? It's all in perception, in the
way we look at the world, or rather, the way in which we are taught to look at
the world.
At birth, baby boys and baby girls are
pretty much equals (again aside from the obvious physical differences), with
perhaps a slight edge given to the girls.
If anything, it is baby girls to whom nature has given a higher degree
of survivability, with good reason. Through
the evolutionary process, time tested and proven over countless generations, it
is baby girls who grow up to be women, and who will give birth to the next
generation of humanity. It only takes a
single adult boy to impregnate many adult girls.
Just look around. We see them trying every day. Why, in the course of an average single day
the average adult male will try to position himself to have sex with as many as
fifty to sixty women. It's all numbers
and percentages. Most, sometimes all,
of these women will deny him the opportunity.
There will be some women, though, who will consent. And the man is happy.
How does that sweet, innocent baby boy
turn into this raging hormone of a sex-driven progenitor? He learns, from his fellow man. You see, it is part of every man's job in
life to properly teach young boys what it means to be a man. Much of this educational process is
informal, learned through osmosis.
There are some very strictly ritualized processes, though, that are
observed, and are passed from one generation of men to the next.
It starts in the hospital waiting
room. Every first time expectant father
is hoping and praying for his child to be a boy. There are NO exceptions.
Any man who says otherwise is lying.
A man (almost instinctively) knows how he is going to raise his
son. That's why, if the child is a
girl, the father will always look around anxiously to find another man who
already has a daughter, for reassurance as well as advice. He's lost at this point, and is looking for
help from his fellow men.
When a son is born, the father hands out
cigars to his fellow men. Why? No one really knows any more. It's just something men do. It defies explanation, as do so many of the
things men do.
And that's what this book is all about. It will help you to understand men. If you were to ask a man why he just did
whatever it was he just did he'll often say he doesn't know. He's not being facetious. He really
doesn't know. It's just something he
learned to do when he was growing up.
It's part of being a man.
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GROWING UP
MALE
When a baby is born it is placed into
one of two categories: male, or
female. This book is intended to help those
readers who were born females to better understand just what it means to be a
man, and to help explain how those male babies turn into men.
What does it mean to "be a
man"? It all starts when the
doctor announces "It's a boy!"
The new father is happy with his child no matter if its a boy or a
girl. For the father, however, its just
much easier if the child happens to be a boy.
With a son, the new father knows
what his son's life will be like as a man.
He knows how it feels to grow up as a young boy, to go through male
puberty, to experience all the joys of life, and the sorrows, as a man.
New fathers are happy with their new
child, no matter if it's a boy or a girl.
If the child is a girl, though, the new father is both happy and scared
out of his mind. He has no experience
growing up as a girl. He doesn't know what her life will be like. He doesn't know how she will experience
life's joys and sorrows as a girl. He
must protect her from the world that is full of men, because he knows what all those men are like.
Yes, this new father can learn what it
will be like for his daughter from his fellow men who have daughters, and from
observing women. He can learn what it
will be like to be a woman, but it's kind of like trying to teach a blind man
what color means, or a deaf person what it sounds like to hear a bird sing, or
children laughing. He can learn, but he
will never really know.
This new father's life will be much
easier (in his mind anyway) with a boy baby.
He will be able to teach his son what it takes to be a man, because he
has lived his life as a man. He, too,
was born as a baby boy. He grew up as a
boy. He learned what it means to be a
man, and he is still learning about being a man. Everything he has done, everything he will do in this life, has
been and will be from the perspective of a man. And so will his son.
As young boys grow from small children
into young men they undergo a series of transformational processes which have
evolved over the course of time and are designed to prepare them for the world
of manhood. These rituals have their
own unique characteristics, but they all are designed to teach the young male
to survive and compete in the world.
From basic survival rituals like fishing, hunting, and building shelter,
to advanced male techniques in the arts of business, politics, and bullshitting
your fellow man, they all have their roots in the one supreme unfailing goal of
all men: sex.
As if you hadn't yet guessed, everything
a man does in his life, everything he is taught in his life, is designed to
make sex more accessible. All the money
a man makes, all the power a man acquires, all the possessions a man
accumulates, are all done for sex. Why
does a man write a song? Why does a man
drive himself so hard in business? Why
does a man become a politician? (well,
that one's kind of obvious, I guess.)
To impress a woman so that she'll want to have sex with him.
We think of ourselves as being so
intelligent, so advanced, with all of our inventions, all of our
creations. Yet, when you strip away all
the fancy packaging, all the hype, all the bells and whistles, it all boils
down to our basic human drive for procreation.
And this is at the heart of everything a young boy is taught that it
takes to grow up to be a man.
The raw naked truth has been
exposed! Men want sex! That's right. You read it here, revealed for the first time anywhere. Yeah, right! But the truth is men not only want sex, men also need sex. There is a basic biological drive that men
have very little control over that drives them to want sex. It is only as a man ages that he slowly
learns to control this biological reaction, and to properly utilize it.
This drive is obvious when you look at a
group of adolescent males, just entering puberty. This is the most confusing, frustrating, wonderful, scary time of
a young man's life. It's also the
origin of the male debate known as "length vs. width." Much blessed is the young boy who enters
puberty before his friends do, for his is the penis which grows largest. At least, that's what all the other boys
will remember for the rest of their lives.
Also along with a larger penis comes ...
hair! Both pubic hair and facial hair
begin to grow as a boy enters puberty.
It is the boy's first visible sign, that he can show publicly, that he
is becoming a man. Of course, it looks
ridiculous for a twelve-year-old boy to have a moustache, so he shaves the
facial hair. Ah, the ritualistic first
shave. As his father teaches the boy
how to shave he also thinks silently about two things: his own trials and
tribulations of puberty, and the thought that his son will soon become sexually
active, which, in the male world, means no more close physical contact with the
boy, for that might be interpreted as a homosexual act.
That's another unspoken male law: There shall be no close physical contact
between males, for that is what causes homosexuality. It is only on extremely rare occasions, where deep emotions
cannot be suppressed, that men may have close physical contact with other men,
such as in celebration of winning the Super Bowl, or during times of great
sorrow, like when Mom dies. The other
exception to the law is during a fight.
At all other times male contact is limited to a handshake, or a friendly
punch. Ass slapping is reserved for
professional athletes.
Which brings us to the topic of physical
education. School in general and
puberty just don't mix well for young men.
It's worst in Phy Ed class, especially when there are girls in the area,
or the attractive young woman who always teaches girl's P.E. Remember that a pubescent male has very
little control over his penis, and even though a jock is designed to help
suppress an erection, a young boy can only withstand so much visual
stimulation. Sooner (seldom later)
comes the inevitable reaction of an erection, and woe be it to any boy who
foolishly strips off his gym clothes while erect to step into the shower. No school-age male wants to see another
boy's erect penis in the shower. It
means that the boy with the erection is gay, and he might be contagious!
Outside of P.E. class pubescent young
males are also susceptible to every attractive young female teacher in school,
especially the ones called Miss. The boys
secretly know that she is not married, and she just might be interested in
them. After all, the boy is already in
puberty. Soon he'll be a man, and
she'll want him then. As long as she
doesn't do something to embarrass him, like make him stand up in front of class
before the erection she caused can go away.
It is very difficult, nay, very hard, for a boy with an erection to
stand up from a seated position. It's
impossible to do in public, which may also help account for many men's fears of
public speaking. Who knows when and
where that darn thing just might decide to pop up again....
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MALE BONDING
We've all heard the term: Male Bonding. It's a collective term used to describe the many (sometimes
unexplainable) rituals men go through together as men. But just what exactly is male bonding, and why do men need to bond?
Men, by nature, are solitary
creatures. Men view other men as
rivals, as the enemy, when it comes to the topic of women. Nature has decreed that men shall compete
with other men for the right to breed.
In the natural world, only the strongest, the smartest, the fastest
males are allowed to breed, to insure the survival of the species.
The strength of this law of nature is
not lost on today's men. To a man,
another man is always a potential rival for the affections of a woman. There is always someone better out there,
somewhere, and , of course, he's looking to steal My Woman.
How, then, can men possibly reconcile
this primitive fear and distrust of other men with the rituals of male
bonding. Simple. Men of like mind bond together to defend
against the common enemy, and the mortal enemy of man is woman.
That's right. Women, the object of a man's desires, the most beautiful creature
on the planet, the heart of everything a man does, woman is also the enemy of
man. Why? Because women are creatures of mystery to men. No man, in the entire history of mankind,
has ever been able to completely and fully understand women. Jesus came close a few years back, but even
He couldn't figure it all out.
It's been said that people tend to make
fun of things they don't understand. It
would follow, then, that men would naturally make fun of women, and, when
threatened, come together in defense of each other. Men often feel threatened by women, and, in the course of time,
have developed many defensive rituals we collectively call male bonding.
Male bonding should not be confused with
male teaching. Teaching happens between
males of different generations, as when a father teaches his son to drink. Bonding happens between males of any age who
are not closely related, as when a group of men get drunk together (see
"All Men Are Assholes). After he
has experienced a certain amount of life, and can relate these experiences, a
son may bond with his father, but it is on a man-to-man basis.
As noted, the most common form of male
bonding is drinking together. This
practice usually involves one or more of any number of corollary activities,
such as a sporting event, playing poker, hunting, fishing, anything involving
naked women, or anything involving the police.
Strangely enough, the longer the ritualistic drinking goes on, the more
of these corollary activities seem to get involved.
Perhaps the strangest of all male
bonding rituals is the practice known as "head butting." This practice is most closely associated
with college football players. Quite
simply, it consists of two males lowering their heads and ramming into each
other head first, like two bighorn sheep butting heads during mating
season. While this might be a turn-on
for the female sheep, very few women seem to find this practice arousing. For the men involved, though, it seems to be
just another version of "Who Has the Larger Penis."
What all male bonding rituals have in
common is an occasion to allow men to be men, in all their disgusting
glory. Men are allowed to relax, have a
good hearty laugh or two, and commiserate about women.
Men don't care what other men look
like. In fact, part of male bonding is
trying to see who has the most disgusting physical features: Who can dig out the most ear wax from his
own ear; Who has the most bellybutton lint; and two perennial favorites, who can
belch the loudest and/or longest, and who has the loudest/smelliest fart. Men just can't do these things in the
company of women.
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WOMEN AND
THE
MEN WHO
LOVE THEM
While it may not always be evident, men
truly love women. Not necessarily all
the time, and not necessarily the particular woman a man happens to be with at
any given moment, but men do love women.
Which helps explain why it is the goal of every man to (make) love (to)
as many women as possible before it's too late. When is it too late? For
most men, when the preacher says the word "wife" (as in "I now
pronounce you man and wife") THEN it's too late. Remember, though, there are some men who believe nothing less
than six feet of dirt in their eyes will mean it's too late.
Nothing is more beautiful, nothing holds
more mystery, and nothing is so completely and totally incomprehensible to a
man as a woman. A man can grow up next
door to a girl, date her exclusively through school, marry her, raise a family
with her, celebrate fifty years of marriage with this same woman, and she can
still find some way to baffle and confound that man. No matter how well a man thinks he knows a woman, a man, by definition,
cannot ever fully understand a woman, any woman.
With a little thoughtful insight,
however, most women can learn to understand what makes a particular man
tick. (But women have yet to comprehend
the male species.) Obviously, women
learn how to affect men at an early age.
Whether it be by outright deceit, sheer cunning, feigned helplessness,
or other means, women can get men to do just about anything the woman wants
done. It just takes pushing the right
buttons, and more times than not, just the hint of a potential sexual encounter
at some future point (minutes, hours, days, or weeks later) is all it takes.
About the only advantage a man has with
a woman is the fact that she has trouble measuring the length of two
things. Get your mind out of the
gutter. I'm talking about time and
distance. A man can make three minutes
seem like forever (because, perhaps, in his mind, it did seem to take forever),
and always thinks things are longer than they really are (How many times have
you heard that six inches was really a foot?).
Perhaps this difficulty women have with measurements has something to do
with the notions that their bust size is always larger, their waists are always
smaller, their hips are also smaller, their dress size is always smaller, or
their shoe size is really smaller than it really is. Even their weight is always less than it really is.
In a man's mind it's always simpler just
to tell it the way it is. Men are
simple creatures who like things simple.
When a woman asks a man how his day was, she wants to know all the
little details about what exactly happened during every minute of his day. Note she won't ask for this detail; why
should she? As a woman, she intuitively
knows that's what she has asked to hear, and fully expects the man to know
that's what she's asked to hear. But to
the man, simple as he is, she's asked a simple question, requiring a simple
answer. "Good." Meaning:
It was a good day for the man, sometimes followed by "...and how
was yours?"
Now in the man's mind, he has just
politely asked a simple, rhetorical question, which, if answered, should only
require a simple response. He is not
hoping to hear a minute-by-minute account of the woman's activities during the
day. Apply the KISS principle, and Keep
It Simple, Stupid! When he wants to
hear more details of the day, he'll ask you for them.
Yes, at their heart men are simple
creatures. That's why men tend to have
so much trouble with complex things like emotions. Emotions are not easily nor rationally explained, and perhaps the
most confusing emotion of all is love.
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SEX ? LOVE ?
WHATEVER ...
What do you think of when you say
"Let's make love"? To a man, it
means "I want to have sex with you."
There is a difference between having sex and making love, and even
loving someone.
The need for sex and love is what drives
almost everything men do. (DUH! No
surprise there.) The basic primal
requirement to somehow impress a woman so much she'll decide to let you have
sex with her is the male prime factor.
It is nature's law that only the most dominant male gets to breed with
the females of the species. In humans,
that means men have to impress women, in any way they know how.
The most obvious method is by sheer
physical prowess. The most physically
impressive men are the ones who naturally attract women. While these steroid-and-iron-pumping titans
often end up being brain dead and impotent, women can't help but be aroused by
their appearance. This arousal is
nature's message that she should offer herself to this male for breeding. It's a means to insure the survival of the
species.
Another great quality that has emerged
to impress women of late is wealth, the accumulation of money, and the ability
to create more of it. Money by itself
is virtually useless, but it allows a man the means to acquire those things a
woman wants, whatever they may be. By
giving a woman what she wants, it is expected that the woman will give the man
what it is he wants - sex. And that's
usually what happens. Life's funny that
way, isn't it?
While it's widely believed (indeed even
prayed for) that a woman will also value intelligence, caring, and love, these
things won't always put food on the table, much less buy anything else. Intelligence is merely a means to acquire
wealth, which can be traded for sex.
And for a man, there can only be limited caring and love without
sex. Any otherwise perfect man who is
denied sex will quickly lose interest in a woman, no matter how great she
is. He'll soon be looking for another
woman to fill and fulfill his sexual needs.
Remember, a man is biologically driven to breed with many females. It is only society's admonitions that keep
men faithful and committed to a single woman.
By now you've probably heard that a man
wants his woman to be like his mother in the kitchen, a virgin in public, and a
whore in the bedroom. It's true. Men love to eat, and love to eat well. A woman who can't cook for a man (or worse,
won't) is almost as bad as a woman who won't sleep with a man. Good food, good wine, good sex - they're all
satisfying in their own right. And,
they all make a man sleep better, too.
In a public setting or social occasion a
woman is a trophy for a man to show off to other men. The more men who lust after that woman, the better - just don't
touch her! She's mine - all mine! Keep your dirty hands off her. You all want her, you can't have her, she's
sleeping with me! Nya-nya-nya. She's beautiful, she's gorgeous, and I'm
having sex with her. Ha! Ahhh, the silent yet knowing thoughts of
men. If she looks that good with her
clothes on, just think what she must be like with her clothes off. Eat your heart out, guys.
Hey, you wanted to know what men really
think, right? Well, that's the way men
think. The more desirable the woman is,
the higher esteem the man whom she is with holds in the eyes of his fellow
men. Women, too, react in much the same
way. Women want to know what it is that
that man has that would cause her to
want to be with him. At least, that's what men think!
A man needs sex as an integral component
of love. A man can have sex with any number
of women (when they'll let him), but he can only make love to a very special
woman, one whom he cares very deeply about.
Just as a woman needs to feel loved to enjoy sex, men need sex in order
to feel loved. Men can, and often do,
have sex without love, and will use sex to help them fall in love with a
woman. Coincidentally, women will also
use sex to help a man fall in love with them.
Sometimes things just work out that way.
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MATURITY ?
Maturity. Wow! What a sobering
concept! Some synonymous male words are
responsibility, job, career, practical car, mortgage, insurance, marriage, family man. Of course, these
should not be confused with similar words found in the male vocabulary to
describe the next stage in a man's life: flaccid, fat, bald, dead, and
buried. (Notice how that one rhymes
with married. Could that just be
coincidence?) Maturity. An eight-letter word. Two four letter words. That means it packs twice the punch as a
single four letter word.
While this might all sound humorous, it
does hold a few grains of truth in it.
For men, maturity means growing up.
In the words of songwriter John Mellencamp, "...Growing up leads to
growing old, and then to dying; and dying to me don't sound like all that much
fun...." And that's the story.
As much as men like being men, they all
secretly (and sometimes not so secretly) want to remain little boys for as long
as they can. Remember all the male
bonding rituals I mentioned earlier?
Did you happen to notice that they all are described as playing something? Now why do you suppose that is?
Little boys like to play. Big boys, too, like to play. Playing is fun. Playtime means having a good time and laughing, with no
responsibilities and no worries to think about. Even many things men do as adults are euphemistically referred to
as playing, as in "playing the field", "playing the
market", or "playing the game".
When, then, does a man become
mature? It usually takes some
experience equivalent to hitting him along side the head with a 2X4. A prime example can be readily observed on a
man's face in the seconds after telling him "Honey, I think I might be ...
pregnant." While it will be a
sheer case of torture for the man, the next time you want to amuse yourself you
can use this one on your man.
The Age of Maturity for most men is not
entered into voluntarily, and while there is no hard set rule to define it,
most men also instinctively know when their personal maturity level is forced
up to the next higher level. It usually
starts innocuously enough as a child when the boy's parents get him his first
pet, or his first bicycle. (These two
are quite interchangeable.) The next
level (again interchangeable) is usually a motorized vehicle or a girl
friend. Then we progress to the
girlfriend and the car. (Having one easily justifies the necessity to get the
other.) Somewhere along the way a job
gets thrown into the mix.
The real Age of Maturity is reached
sometime later, after the man has achieved the levels of independence,
supporting himself financially, making a major purchase such as a house and/or
land, and (shudder) marriage and fatherhood (hopefully in that order). A man who achieves the level of fatherhood
before he achieves the level of marriage has skipped a step, and will be forced
to go back and repeat himself until he gets it right. There are no shortcuts on the road to maturity.
A mature man has acquired a level of
knowledge through a combination of hard work and trial and error. It is an integral part of manhood to pass
this hard won knowledge from one generation of men to the next. Unfortunately, this knowledge is seldom
listened to by the younger men to whom it is imparted, until much later.
Maturity, like everything else in a
man's life, is a learned behavior. A
man's level of maturity is directly proportional to his level of learning. That's why a mature man is also often a learned
man. It is only through learning that a
man becomes mature.
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FAMILY MAN
The neighborhood women were gathered around
the pool, comparing notes on the men in town.
"Oh, he's a good family man." one was heard to say, as the
women seemed to agree, giving the anonymous male high marks.
Yeah, Right! As if that was the type
of man they all fantasized about while they were in the passionate throes of
unbridled, lustful ecstasy. Do you
think of Fabio as a good "family man?" Is that what makes women want him? Let's get real!
Men all know that being a family man is good and right. Every good father is also a good family man. Family Man provides a good home and a good
life for his family. It's a good
thing. It's just so hard to become a
family man.
Becoming
a family man means growing up, maturing, turning
into your father. It means settling
for what you've already got. It means
no more looking forward, over the next hill, for something better to come along
and sweep you off your feet. It means
taking that next big step in a man's life:
Marriage. It means assuming responsibility. Becoming a
family man means starting a family, children, and an end to life as the man has
known it so far.
Everything changes when a man becomes a
family man. For a man who has not yet
reached that stage in his life family man represents the end of carefree
independence and the real beginnings of Maturity. But for the man who has become a family man, he soon finds that
it's not all that bad. In fact, it soon
becomes quite enjoyable.
Most family men really do enjoy their
newfound lives as family men. It is
hard to explain how the pride of seeing his child and his family can compare
with the "fun" he used to have as a single man. Anything the man did alone as a single man
now pales in comparison to the joys he feels as a family man.
It is a huge step for a man to take,
becoming a family man. It requires much
thought and deliberation, and often involves the consultation of other men,
both single and married. It also
requires that level of maturity we've talked about.
Most men will agree that being a family
man is, on balance, very good. It just
takes a little effort to get there.
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CAREERS vs.
JOBS
The joke goes like this: What's the difference between a job and a
career? The truth is, the job is what
you're doing now, while you're waiting for your big break, the one that will
launch you into your new career in whatever you're not doing now. For example, there are no waiters in New York
City. They're all just aspiring actors,
doing research for their next role.
Yeah, Right!
A man gets a job to help pay his
bills. A man keeps working at his job
so he can keep paying his bills. A
man's job turns into his career when his job title gets a new name. We no longer have garbage men; we have
sanitation engineers. There are no more
janitors; they're now custodial engineers.
Salesmen have become purchasing consultants. Bartenders are now mixologists.
Bus drivers are now transportation facilitators. A cook is now a nutrition coordinator. The guy who cuts your grass is now your
landscape designer.
It's not enough anymore to simply have a
job. Everybody wants a career. Truth is, there is no difference. Ask a young man who has just graduated from
school what his career plans are and he'll tell you "I want to get a job
as ...."
Historically, careers were invented by
women to make their husbands' jobs seem more attractive and sound more
impressive than they really are, and to make their own jobs sound more
impressive, as well. Men just don't
care. A job by any other name....
A career is a job, or a series of jobs
in the same field. No fancy title will
change the truth of the matter. Keep It
Simple, Stupid. And speaking of simple
....
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FOOTBALL and
FOOTBALL PLAYERS
Ladies, you must avoid football players at all costs! This rule pretty much holds true for almost all athletes to one
degree or another, but especially for football players. No matter if he played football in high
school, college, or, God help you, professionally, do not get involved with a
football player.
The football player's life revolves
around football. From the time he was
old enough to grasp a finger his father put a football in his hands. While he was growing up football was his
first, and only true, love. No matter
how old a man gets, he never forgets, or gets over, his first true love.
All football players eventually become ex-football
players. This is a reality they cannot
avoid ... or accept. To prove it, to
themselves and to the world, they'll seek to turn their child, and yours, into
football players too. It doesn't matter
if the child is a boy or a girl. The
ex-football player will do everything in his power to produce a better football
player in the form of his own child.
A football player's life revolves around
football. Everything they do,
everything they say, everything can be related to football in one way or
another. Their life is a drive toward
the goal. Being rewarded for doing good
is a bonus, an extra point. Even making
love is scoring. And the new year
doesn't start on January 1. For
football players, the new year begins with the first day of football season.
The same thing goes for men who were
never football players, but who wanted to be. Today these men are known as
couch potatoes. In many ways they
resemble ex-football players. These
men, too, live for football, with one notable exception: They live to watch football, not to play
it. They are the type who buy satellite
dishes in order to get the best television coverage of ALL the games. They have been known to buy three or more
TV's, all with split screens, and watch them all at the same time. They are masters of the remote control. And woe be it to anyone who attempts to
interfere with their game watching.
Let this be a fair warning to all
women: NEVER interrupt a man while he
is watching a football game. Whatever
it is, it can wait until there is a time-out, or a commercial break, or
halftime, or the end of the game.
Talking can wait. Dinner can
wait. Even sex can wait. And in the case of sex, it will be over
before the next play.
There is nothing you can do. A football player or watcher who is addicted
to football cannot be cured. Football
is an experience. It must be
experienced to be truly appreciated.
And once it is experienced, there is no going back. Football is addictive, consuming, and
seductive. Football is a mistress, more
seductive and more enticing than most women can ever dream of being. And that is the allure.
Football will not suddenly develop a
headache just when a man gets in the mood for football. Football will not critique a man's
performance. Football can be enjoyed
for the sheer pleasure of itself.
Football will not abruptly end before its time is up. Football will allow a man to give himself to
it fully, without reservation, and without complications. Football has no mother. Football was invented by men, for men, and
is played by men for men. Football is a
man's game; it creates a sense of solidarity amongst men.
Football allows men to be men, in all
their ugly glory. Period.
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Table of Contents)
TELEVISION
AND THE
AGE OF MAN
In the words of man, God bless the man
(you know it had to be a man) who
invented the TV, and the remote controller that goes with it! Can you even remember the good old days of
television? Men back then still didn't have
to get up off the couch to change the channel.
At first, there was only one channel, and the reception wasn't very
good. Even when the "new"
channel came to your town the picture wasn't great.
Along with the "new" channel
came the first remote control channel changers. You remember them. They
were even voice-activated, and usually went "Honeeeeee ... can you change
the channel for me?"
There was also occasionally the
unanticipated arousal caused when the man, watching his wife wiggle up to the
television set and bending over to change the channel, still paid attention to
his beautiful wife, who was, of course, more lovely than those women on
TV. After all, the picture was so small
and fuzzy, who could tell? That was
also pre-silicone and pre-Baywatch.
Today men enjoy television, and
television routinely aims its programming directly at men. There's the Superbowl, the NBA, Baywatch, professional wrestling, the
fishing channel, the FOX network, the Playboy Channel, and on and on. Ah, yes, television, the greatest of all
American inventions. Television and all
the great stuff on it, and all the great stuff to go with it - VCR's, big
screens, stereo reception, satellite dishes, all-in-one remotes, TV dinners,
recliner sofas, mini refrigerators for the living room, insulated beer can
holders, loose-fitting baggy sweat pants - what more could a guy ask for in
entertainment? If only there was a way
to make money watching TV. I guess that
Nielson guy's got a pretty good setup.
Yes, television was another creation
invented by men, for men. And it's
forever being improved for, you guessed it, men. And why not. Television
is a man's second favorite toy. There's
only one thing a man likes to play with more than his remote control, and that
is (get your mind out of the gutter - I'm talking about ...) his car.
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MEN AND
THEIR CARS
(BOYS AND
THEIR TOYS)
Let's make one thing absolutely clear up
front: The only thing more attractive
to a man than a beautiful woman (remember, beauty is in the eye of the
beholder) is a beautiful car, followed closely by any other piece of high
performance machinery, such as a motorcycle, jet boat, F-14 fighter jet, etc. If it's a piece of high-performance
machinery and emits a deep, throaty roar, or a high-pitched whine, it's
good. If, however, those same sounds
are heard coming from a woman, every man knows he's somehow responsible, and
he's in deep trouble.
In 1996 a major U.S. tire company
conducted a survey. They found that 38%
of the male respondents said they were more in love with their cars than with
the women in their lives. More than
half of the men said they got involved with their car before they got involved
with their women, and fully expect to keep their car longer than they'll keep
their woman.. It's not surprising, when
you consider that most men learn to drive before they learn about women.
For men the vehicle they drive reflects
their sex life. How many women lust
after the guy with the bus pass or the rusted out Nova? Exactly my point. Men know that women like men with good cars, the more expensive
the better. Men use cars to attract
women, and to flaunt their success.
Mostly to attract women. There
is, however, a whole different side to a man and his car.
When a man slides himself into the
tight-fitting folds of a custom leather seat, his hands wrapped tightly around
that steering wheel, and feels the low vibrations coming from that well-tuned
engine, it almost becomes for him an erotic sexual encounter. He is in control, and he is at one with the
machine and the world. That car
responds to his every desire, to his every command, testing his confidence, his
endurance, urging him onward. Faster,
faster, drive harder. Push me to the
point where I'm screaming. Don't be
afraid. I can take it.
A man's car is his seductive
mistress. It's a relationship. It tests his manhood. It is a challenge to figure out, and to
master. He has shed blood and sweat
working on that car. He has invested
time and energy learning about that car, becoming familiar with it's most
intimate inner workings. He can reach
deep inside that car and figure out what makes it go. When he does something wrong and hurts that car, he can make it
all better, and it will forgive him immediately. Very few men ever develop such an intimate and personal
relationship with a woman. That what
makes a car so attractive.
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of Contents)
THE MALE
BODY :
FUNCTIONS, SOUNDS
AND DESIGN
It started out slowly, just a barely
audible rumbling from somewhere deep within the bowels of the man. As time passed, however, it began to grow louder,
deeper, more ominous, and more deadly.
At some point it activated the man's vocal cords, and a low moaning
groan began to accompany the churning cauldron within. Then suddenly it erupted, releasing a blast
of vile, putrid vapors that burned the eyes and made those poor unfortunate
souls unlucky enough to be present gasp for air. They never stood a chance.
The eruption of Vesuvius? Well, almost. No, this account is that of a deeply satisfying male ritual known
as a phaurte.
Phaurting for a man is an art in and
unto itself. Just as there are artists
who specialize in their art forms, so, too, are there men whose specialty is a
particular phaurte form. For example, you
have your strong, silent types; the loud windbags, which are mostly hot air;
there are blowhards, who loudly announce their presence; there are comedians,
and ticklers, both of whom will be laughing as they create their art; and there
are the deep, penetrating types who just burn themselves deep into your senses,
and never go away. There are also weak
ones, silent and timid, almost as if they're afraid to come out of hiding. You'll rarely notice these.
A close cousin to the phaurte is the
burp. In some cultures, a good, hearty
burp after a meal is considered to be a compliment to the chef, a sign that the
meal was filling and satisfying. It
actually is an insult to the cook if you don't
burp. Unlike a phaurte, a burp is
socially forgivable when followed by an apologetic "Oh, excuse
me." It is a bit embarrassing, but
a burp is usually tolerated, while the phaurte is socially unacceptable - IN
MIXED COMPANY!
The one major exception is in a group of
all men. Then, burping, phaurting, and
all other bodily noises and functions becomes a sport, complete with
competition and judging by the group to determine a winner. Winners usually produce the loudest, or
longest, or thickest, or heaviest, or stinkiest, or most creative bodily
function. It really doesn't matter what
the contest involves; if the male body can produce it, it's fair game for
competition. Examples include spitting
for distance, peeing for distance (usually from an altitude), length of a turd,
diameter of a turd, biggest pile of shit (does not necessarily denote fecal
matter), loudest burp and/or phaurte, smelliest burp/phaurte, and longest
lasting burp or phaurte.
These contests can be held when a woman is present, but only if she is a contestant as well. An old favorite when this occurs is the always interesting
"Who's got the biggest breasts" contest, which usually turns into a
one-on-one between the woman and the overweight guy who's always the champion
beer drinker, with the men wholeheartedly rooting for their male
compatriot. A word of caution here -
this contest occasionally leads to a game of naked twister. Be careful.
Big Insider's Tip: When a man lets you hear him make body
sounds, it means he feels at ease with you.
Try not to be too offended. When
it gets to the point where he's doing it all the time around you though, you've
let him get too sloppy. A man will only
get away with what you let him get away with.
There are certain functions the male
body has to perform, and no amount of willpower can stop them. Gentlemen attempt to refrain from letting
these functions cause embarrassment.
Most men, though, never give it a second thought. Got an itch? Scratch it. Gotta
burp? Go ahead; just excuse
yourself. Phlegm in your throat? Just clear it, then spit it out.
Does this sound too familiar? It does no good to glare at the poor
guy. He hasn't a clue as to what you're
upset about. You have to tell him exactly what he's done wrong, and remind
him that if he ever wants to see you naked again not to repeat that action in
the future. Remember, he has to learn
these things.
Which brings us to another male body
function. When it comes to sex, for
men, you either use it, or lose it.
It's just that simple. Men
cannot even talk about losing it, not even in jest. So they use it, or at least try to use it, or at least think
about using it every hour of every day.
What is "it?" We're
talking about that unique and multi-functional male appendage known as the
penis.
For some odd reason men have this
peculiar habit of naming their peni. No
man is sure exactly how this practice got started, but it seems to be one of
those things that men have to do because they're men. His good friend, his compadre, Little Buddy, Mr. Me, Peter, the
old sausage, the old Evinrude, schwaang, schlong, the rooster, the snake, Mr. Happy,
johnson, hot dog, bratwurst, salami, seed planter, little man, Simba, python,
heavy artillery, swingin' meat, ... and countless more pet names for a
penis. It's as if his penis is a
separate and distinct person, an alter ego, a best friend that stays with him
through thick and thin. It's been with
him his whole life, and it's never let him down yet ....
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Table of Contents)
"ALL MEN
ARE ASSHOLES"
All men are ... assholes! Or, all men are ... idiots! Or, all men are ... jerks! Or ... well, you get the idea.
The statement is in quotes for a
reason. Women from every walk of life
have uttered this phrase at one time or another. (If you haven't yet, just wait.
You will.) There's a good
reason. All men are assholes, or rather, all men have the capacity to be assholes.
Some men act this way all the time; others rarely, if ever, do. But they do have the potential.
All joking aside, all men are predators. It is instinctual, the result of countless generations of
evolution. It's a basic law called
survival of the fittest. The strong
prey upon the weak, for everything from food and shelter to sex and the
animalistic right to mate and reproduce.
Over the generations the traits of strength, aggression, brute force,
and raw power have become dominant in the human male, while the traits of
caring, gentleness, and even love (rather than lust) have become
regressive. Man in nature was forced to
compete to survive, and these natural traits, needed for survival, insured that
the species would continue. It is only
in comparatively recent times that the physically weaker males have been
enabled to survive, and even to reproduce, due to a basic shift in the criteria
necessary for survival, away from raw strength toward intellectual strength.
This predatory instinct can be seen in
everything men do. From sports to
business to women to ... well, after women what else is there for a man? Men will screw each other at every chance
for the opportunity to screw a woman.
Best friends, business partners, fellow teammates, you name it. Men are real assholes, and it's not just
that way with women. Some men, who are
the best at this sort of behavior, have even succeeded in elevating this
behavior to the professional level. We
call them lawyers.
When a woman screws someone for money we
call it prostitution; when a man screws someone for money we call him a
lawyer. Is it any wonder men hate
lawyers. They remind him of those days
back in gym class in school, when he was afraid of getting screwed by another
boy. Lawyers evoke images of men
getting screwed by other men, homosexuality, which is disgustingly frightening
to men. Notice how similar the phrases
"getting screwed" and "getting sued" are to each other.
But why do men treat women so
badly? Usually it's a defensive move,
designed to inflict more pain and suffering upon the woman than she has just
inflicted on the man, or that he is anticipating she'll soon inflict. It's a face saving move to help the man
re-gain some modicum of dignity in the eyes of his fellow men. "You're not gonna let her get away with
that, are you?"
All male social behavior is learned,
remember? This man grew up watching
other men treat women this way, so that must be the way you treat a woman,
right? Usually overlooked in all this,
however, is the fact that no man has ever figured out how to treat a woman in
any given circumstance. For some
reason, whatever worked in this situation for the man last time is not working
now. He just can't figure it out.
Why is a good man, a nice guy, so hard
to find? Could it have something to do
with the way men are treated by women?
It's a case of which came first.
Little boys have love and respect for their mothers, and usually for
most people in general. Somewhere along
the way they learn to be men.
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Table of Contents)
THE EXCEPTIONAL
MALE
There are exceptions to every male rule
and law, and there are exceptional men who, despite having been thoroughly
indoctrinated into the male way of life, can and do rise above their primal
instincts to become kind, decent, caring, loving human beings. Note that I didn't say "men" and
for good reason. These more highly
evolved human beings have evolved beyond that primal stage of evolution we call
man. How? They learned.
Remember, everything about a man's life
is a learned behavior, an educated response to a given situation. Men, therefore, can be taught to respect and truly love women. Any man can learn; it
just takes longer for some.
Women say they want a nice, caring, gentle, feeling, man. These traits and behaviors are not
instinctive for men. They are traits
men tend to associate with being a woman, and are repulsive to the idea of what
it takes to "be a man."
Evolution has served to all but eliminate these genetic characteristics
from the male population.
For the man who naturally experiences
these traits, in whom they are naturally present and do not have to be learned,
his fellow men will not accept his behavior into their brotherhood of men. This man is shunned by other men, and is
usually alone for most of his life. As
he has grown up this man has seen women shun him also, because he is not
physically impressive. The other males
are all bigger, taller, faster. He is
smarter, far more intelligent than his fellow men, but he has learned to hide
this fact as well.
You will not find this type of man
easily. He does not readily socialize
or look for companionship. His energies
are devoted to other pursuits: his education, profession, art, science,
literature, even business pursuits. By
the time this man reaches adulthood he has chosen a path not traveled by most
men. Very few women will be found along
his pathway through life.
For the woman who truly wants this type
of man, he can be found, but you will have to do the looking yourself. He will not come to meet you. He won't be found in the want ads or the
personals. He won't be found through a
dating service, either. The men who use
these avenues to meet women are desperate losers for the most part. You'll have better luck picking a total
stranger off the street.
The exceptional male has already created
a high level of quality in his life, and is pursuing more than men do. He has high demands of himself, and accepts
only high quality in everything in his life.
He will not settle for second in anything he chooses to do. And that's what makes him so
exceptional. That is also what
separates him from mere pretenders to the quality of life he has achieved.
The exceptional male literally is one in
a million, which means that in the entire world of six billion people, half of
whom are men, there are only about 3000 of these men out there. Good luck finding one for yourself.
(click here to return to the
Table of Contents)
QUICK TROUBLESHOOTING
OK. Quick, if you have trouble shooting a man,
here are a few suggested alternative thoughts, and quick solutions to your
problems:
1 ~ Problem: Man
doesn't work
Solution: A
well-placed kick will do wonders in this situation
2 ~ Problem: Man
still doesn't work
Solution: Throw man
out and get a new one - they're cheap and easily replaced
3 ~ Problem: New
man stops working
Solution: (see #1 above)
4 ~ Problem: Man seems confused; man doesn't
know what he did wrong
Solution: Although
difficult to do, woman must be direct, and actually tell man what he did
wrong. Subtlety doesn't work on
men. Be specific.
5 ~ Problem: Man
will not change
Solution: There is none. Man will not
change
6 ~ Problem: Man
wants sex
Solution: 1) This is not a problem
2) (see #5 above)
3) Death
7 ~ Problem: Man
is broke
Solution: Man must get a job (see #1 above)
8 ~
Problem: Man
is not romantic
Solution: (see #4 above) Tell man what to do
9 ~ Problem: Man
is an asshole
Solution: All men are assholes (read Chapter 13)
10
~ Problem: Man just doesn't understand you
Solution: There is
none - No man understands women-only solution is to commiserate about it with
other women
***
Ever notice how all your problems begin with men?
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If you enjoyed this book, you may also like to know that the author has turned it into a screenplay, which you can read by
clicking here.
If you would
like to share your thoughts with the author, you may write to: The Thomas
Group, 9200 Longs Road, Sayner, Wisconsin
54560 or email to Kerry Thomas.
Kerry is collecting
material for an updated future edition of this work, and welcomes your input. If you have specific areas, topics, or
questions you would like to see addressed please feel free to contact Kerry. All submissions become the property of The
Thomas Group.
©
1997-2009 / Kerry Thomas
All
Rights Reserved
NOTICE
Without
limiting the rights reserved under copyright above, no part of this publication
may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or
transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical,
photocopying, recording, or otherwise), without prior written explicit
permission of both the copyright owner and publisher.
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