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MAN-UAL:
An Owner's
by
a
division of TNASCO, Inc.,
9200
Longs Rd, Sayner, Wisconsin 54560
© 1997-2008 / Kerry Thomas
ALL
RIGHTS RESERVED
MAN-UAL:
An Owner's Guide To Men
Chapter 1 Men: What Are We Talking About
Chapter 2 Growing Up Male
Chapter 3 Male Bonding
Chapter 4 Women and the Men Who Love Them
Chapter 5 Sex?
Love? Whatever ...
Chapter 6 Maturity?
Chapter 7 Family Man
Chapter 8 Careers vs. Jobs
Chapter 9 Football
Chapter 10 Television and the Age of Man
Chapter 11 Men and Their Cars (Boys and Their Toys)
Chapter 12 The Male Body: Functions, Sounds and Design
Chapter 13 "All Men Are Assholes"
Chapter 14 The Exceptional Male
Chapter 15 Quick Troubleshooting
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Table of Contents)
MEN : WHAT
ARE WE
TALKING ABOUT
In case you haven't noticed,
or someone has tried to tell you otherwise, I have a news flash for you: Men and women are different! Yes, I know, there are people out there who
are trying to tell you otherwise, but please believe me when I tell you that
there are, indeed, differences between men and women. Always have been, and always will be.
Yes, there are the obvious differences, the physical attributes which serve to
delineate the male gender from the female gender. Women have mammary glands, while men have prostate glands. (Strangely enough, though, it is
uncomfortable for both men and women to have these glands examined by a
doctor.) Our reproductive organs are
different, and, generally, we differ in muscle mass and bone density.
But aside from these physical characteristics
there is also a fundamental difference between men and women. What makes a man a man (and a woman a
woman)? It's all in perception, in the
way we look at the world, or rather, the way in which we are taught to look at
the world.
At birth, baby boys and baby girls are
pretty much equals (again aside from the obvious physical differences), with
perhaps a slight edge given to the girls.
If anything, it is baby girls to whom nature has given a higher degree
of survivability, with good reason. Through
the evolutionary process, time tested and proven over countless generations, it
is baby girls who grow up to be women, and who will give birth to the next
generation of humanity. It only takes a
single adult boy to impregnate many adult girls.
Just look around. We see them trying every day. Why, in the course of an average single day
the average adult male will try to position himself to have sex with as many as
fifty to sixty women. It's all numbers
and percentages. Most, sometimes all,
of these women will deny him the opportunity.
There will be some women, though, who will consent. And the man is happy.
How does that sweet, innocent baby boy
turn into this raging hormone of a sex-driven progenitor? He learns, from his fellow man. You see, it is part of every man's job in
life to properly teach young boys what it means to be a man. Much of this educational process is
informal, learned through osmosis.
There are some very strictly ritualized processes, though, that are
observed, and are passed from one generation of men to the next.
It starts in the hospital waiting
room. Every first time expectant father
is hoping and praying for his child to be a boy. There are NO exceptions.
Any man who says otherwise is lying.
A man (almost instinctively) knows how he is going to raise his
son. That's why, if the child is a
girl, the father will always look around anxiously to find another man who
already has a daughter, for reassurance as well as advice. He's lost at this point, and is looking for
help from his fellow men.
When a son is born, the father hands out
cigars to his fellow men. Why? No one really knows any more. It's just something men do. It defies explanation, as do so many of the
things men do.
And that's what this book is all about. It will help you to understand men. If you were to ask a man why he just did
whatever it was he just did he'll often say he doesn't know. He's not being facetious. He really
doesn't know. It's just something he
learned to do when he was growing up.
It's part of being a man.
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GROWING UP
MALE
When a baby is born it is placed into
one of two categories: male, or
female. This book is intended to help those
readers who were born females to better understand just what it means to be a
man, and to help explain how those male babies turn into men.
What does it mean to "be a
man"? It all starts when the
doctor announces "It's a boy!"
The new father is happy with his child no matter if its a boy or a
girl. For the father, however, its just
much easier if the child happens to be a boy.
With a son, the new father knows
what his son's life will be like as a man.
He knows how it feels to grow up as a young boy, to go through male
puberty, to experience all the joys of life, and the sorrows, as a man.
New fathers are happy with their new
child, no matter if it's a boy or a girl.
If the child is a girl, though, the new father is both happy and scared
out of his mind. He has no experience
growing up as a girl. He doesn't know what her life will be like. He doesn't know how she will experience
life's joys and sorrows as a girl. He
must protect her from the world that is full of men, because he knows what all those men are like.
Yes, this new father can learn what it
will be like for his daughter from his fellow men who have daughters, and from
observing women. He can learn what it
will be like to be a woman, but it's kind of like trying to teach a blind man
what color means, or a deaf person what it sounds like to hear a bird sing, or
children laughing. He can learn, but he
will never really know.
This new father's life will be much
easier (in his mind anyway) with a boy baby.
He will be able to teach his son what it takes to be a man, because he
has lived his life as a man. He, too,
was born as a baby boy. He grew up as a
boy. He learned what it means to be a
man, and he is still learning about being a man. Everything he has done, everything he will do in this life, has
been and will be from the perspective of a man. And so will his son.
As young boys grow from small children
into young men they undergo a series of transformational processes which have
evolved over the course of time and are designed to prepare them for the world
of manhood. These rituals have their
own unique characteristics, but they all are designed to teach the young male
to survive and compete in the world.
From basic survival rituals like fishing, hunting, and building shelter,
to advanced male techniques in the arts of business, politics, and bullshitting
your fellow man, they all have their roots in the one supreme unfailing goal of
all men: sex.
As if you hadn't yet guessed, everything
a man does in his life, everything he is taught in his life, is designed to
make sex more accessible. All the money
a man makes, all the power a man acquires, all the possessions a man
accumulates, are all done for sex. Why
does a man write a song? Why does a man
drive himself so hard in business? Why
does a man become a politician? (well,
that one's kind of obvious, I guess.)
To impress a woman so that she'll want to have sex with him.
We think of ourselves as being so
intelligent, so advanced, with all of our inventions, all of our
creations. Yet, when you strip away all
the fancy packaging, all the hype, all the bells and whistles, it all boils
down to our basic human drive for procreation.
And this is at the heart of everything a young boy is taught that it
takes to grow up to be a man.
The raw naked truth has been
exposed! Men want sex! That's right. You read it here, revealed for the first time anywhere. Yeah, right! But the truth is men not only want sex, men also need sex. There is a basic biological drive that men
have very little control over that drives them to want sex. It is only as a man ages that he slowly
learns to control this biological reaction, and to properly utilize it.
This drive is obvious when you look at a
group of adolescent males, just entering puberty. This is the most confusing, frustrating, wonderful, scary time of
a young man's life. It's also the
origin of the male debate known as "length vs. width." Much blessed is the young boy who enters
puberty before his friends do, for his is the penis which grows largest. At least, that's what all the other boys
will remember for the rest of their lives.
Also along with a larger penis comes ...
hair! Both pubic hair and facial hair
begin to grow as a boy enters puberty.
It is the boy's first visible sign, that he can show publicly, that he
is becoming a man. Of course, it looks
ridiculous for a twelve-year-old boy to have a moustache, so he shaves the
facial hair. Ah, the ritualistic first
shave. As his father teaches the boy
how to shave he also thinks silently about two things: his own trials and
tribulations of puberty, and the thought that his son will soon become sexually
active, which, in the male world, means no more close physical contact with the
boy, for that might be interpreted as a homosexual act.
That's another unspoken male law: There shall be no close physical contact
between males, for that is what causes homosexuality. It is only on extremely rare occasions, where deep emotions
cannot be suppressed, that men may have close physical contact with other men,
such as in celebration of winning the Super Bowl, or during times of great
sorrow, like when Mom dies. The other
exception to the law is during a fight.
At all other times male contact is limited to a handshake, or a friendly
punch. Ass slapping is reserved for
professional athletes.
Which brings us to the topic of physical
education. School in general and
puberty just don't mix well for young men.
It's worst in Phy Ed class, especially when there are girls in the area,
or the attractive young woman who always teaches girl's P.E. Remember that a pubescent male has very
little control over his penis, and even though a jock is designed to help
suppress an erection, a young boy can only withstand so much visual
stimulation. Sooner (seldom later)
comes the inevitable reaction of an erection, and woe be it to any boy who
foolishly strips off his gym clothes while erect to step into the shower. No school-age male wants to see another
boy's erect penis in the shower. It
means that the boy with the erection is gay, and he might be contagious!
Outside of P.E. class pubescent young
males are also susceptible to every attractive young female teacher in school,
especially the ones called Miss. The boys
secretly know that she is not married, and she just might be interested in
them. After all, the boy is already in
puberty. Soon he'll be a man, and
she'll want him then. As long as she
doesn't do something to embarrass him, like make him stand up in front of class
before the erection she caused can go away.
It is very difficult, nay, very hard, for a boy with an erection to
stand up from a seated position. It's
impossible to do in public, which may also help account for many men's fears of
public speaking. Who knows when and
where that darn thing just might decide to pop up again....
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MALE BONDING
We've all heard the term: Male Bonding. It's a collective term used to describe the many (sometimes
unexplainable) rituals men go through together as men. But just what exactly is male bonding, and why do men need to bond?
Men, by nature, are solitary
creatures. Men view other men as
rivals, as the enemy, when it comes to the topic of women. Nature has decreed that men shall compete
with other men for the right to breed.
In the natural world, only the strongest, the smartest, the fastest
males are allowed to breed, to insure the survival of the species.
The strength of this law of nature is
not lost on today's men. To a man,
another man is always a potential rival for the affections of a woman. There is always someone better out there,
somewhere, and , of course, he's looking to steal My Woman.
How, then, can men possibly reconcile
this primitive fear and distrust of other men with the rituals of male
bonding. Simple. Men of like mind bond together to defend
against the common enemy, and the mortal enemy of man is woman.
That's right. Women, the object of a man's desires, the most beautiful creature
on the planet, the heart of everything a man does, woman is also the enemy of
man. Why? Because women are creatures of mystery to men. No man, in the entire history of mankind,
has ever been able to completely and fully understand women. Jesus came close a few years back, but even
He couldn't figure it all out.
It's been said that people tend to make
fun of things they don't understand. It
would follow, then, that men would naturally make fun of women, and, when
threatened, come together in defense of each other. Men often feel threatened by women, and, in the course of time,
have developed many defensive rituals we collectively call male bonding.
Male bonding should not be confused with
male teaching. Teaching happens between
males of different generations, as when a father teaches his son to drink. Bonding happens between males of any age who
are not closely related, as when a group of men get drunk together (see
"All Men Are Assholes). After he
has experienced a certain amount of life, and can relate these experiences, a
son may bond with his father, but it is on a man-to-man basis.
As noted, the most common form of male
bonding is drinking together. This
practice usually involves one or more of any number of corollary activities,
such as a sporting event, playing poker, hunting, fishing, anything involving
naked women, or anything involving the police.
Strangely enough, the longer the ritualistic drinking goes on, the more
of these corollary activities seem to get involved.
Perhaps the strangest of all male
bonding rituals is the practice known as "head butting." This practice is most closely associated
with college football players. Quite
simply, it consists of two males lowering their heads and ramming into each
other head first, like two bighorn sheep butting heads during mating
season. While this might be a turn-on
for the female sheep, very few women seem to find this practice arousing. For the men involved, though, it seems to be
just another version of "Who Has the Larger Penis."
What all male bonding rituals have in
common is an occasion to allow men to be men, in all their disgusting
glory. Men are allowed to relax, have a
good hearty laugh or two, and commiserate about women.
Men don't care what other men look
like. In fact, part of male bonding is
trying to see who has the most disgusting physical features: Who can dig out the most ear wax from his
own ear; Who has the most bellybutton lint; and two perennial favorites, who can
belch the loudest and/or longest, and who has the loudest/smelliest fart. Men just can't do these things in the
company of women.
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WOMEN AND
THE
MEN WHO
LOVE THEM
While it may not always be evident, men
truly love women. Not necessarily all
the time, and not necessarily the particular woman a man happens to be with at
any given moment, but men do love women.
Which helps explain why it is the goal of every man to (make) love (to)
as many women as possible before it's too late. When is it too late? For
most men, when the preacher says the word "wife" (as in "I now
pronounce you man and wife") THEN it's too late. Remember, though, there are some men who believe nothing less
than six feet of dirt in their eyes will mean it's too late.
Nothing is more beautiful, nothing holds
more mystery, and nothing is so completely and totally incomprehensible to a
man as a woman. A man can grow up next
door to a girl, date her exclusively through school, marry her, raise a family
with her, celebrate fifty years of marriage with this same woman, and she can
still find some way to baffle and confound that man. No matter how well a man thinks he knows a woman, a man, by definition,
cannot ever fully understand a woman, any woman.
With a little thoughtful insight,
however, most women can learn to understand what makes a particular man
tick. (But women have yet to comprehend
the male species.) Obviously, women
learn how to affect men at an early age.
Whether it be by outright deceit, sheer cunning, feigned helplessness,
or other means, women can get men to do just about anything the woman wants
done. It just takes pushing the right
buttons, and more times than not, just the hint of a potential sexual encounter
at some future point (minutes, hours, days, or weeks later) is all it takes.
About the only advantage a man has with
a woman is the fact that she has trouble measuring the length of two
things. Get your mind out of the
gutter. I'm talking about time and
distance. A man can make three minutes
seem like forever (because, perhaps, in his mind, it did seem to take forever),
and always thinks things are longer than they really are (How many times have
you heard that six inches was really a foot?).
Perhaps this difficulty women have with measurements has something to do
with the notions that their bust size is always larger, their waists are always
smaller, their hips are also smaller, their dress size is always smaller, or
their shoe size is really smaller than it really is. Even their weight is always less than it really is.
In a man's mind it's always simpler just
to tell it the way it is. Men are
simple creatures who like things simple.
When a woman asks a man how his day was, she wants to know all the
little details about what exactly happened during every minute of his day. Note she won't ask for this detail; why
should she? As a woman, she intuitively
knows that's what she has asked to hear, and fully expects the man to know
that's what she's asked to hear. But to
the man, simple as he is, she's asked a simple question, requiring a simple
answer. "Good." Meaning:
It was a good day for the man, sometimes followed by "...and how
was yours?"
Now in the man's mind, he has just
politely asked a simple, rhetorical question, which, if answered, should only
require a simple response. He is not
hoping to hear a minute-by-minute account of the woman's activities during the
day. Apply the KISS principle, and Keep
It Simple, Stupid! When he wants to
hear more details of the day, he'll ask you for them.
Yes, at their heart men are simple
creatures. That's why men tend to have
so much trouble with complex things like emotions. Emotions are not easily nor rationally explained, and perhaps the
most confusing emotion of all is love.
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SEX ? LOVE ?
WHATEVER ...
What do you think of when you say
"Let's make love"? To a man, it
means "I want to have sex with you."
There is a difference between having sex and making love, and even
loving someone.
The need for sex and love is what drives
almost everything men do. (DUH! No
surprise there.) The basic primal
requirement to somehow impress a woman so much she'll decide to let you have
sex with her is the male prime factor.
It is nature's law that only the most dominant male gets to breed with
the females of the species. In humans,
that means men have to impress women, in any way they know how.
The most obvious method is by sheer
physical prowess. The most physically
impressive men are the ones who naturally attract women. While these steroid-and-iron-pumping titans
often end up being brain dead and impotent, women can't help but be aroused by
their appearance. This arousal is
nature's message that she should offer herself to this male for breeding. It's a means to insure the survival of the
species.
Another great quality that has emerged
to impress women of late is wealth, the accumulation of money, and the ability
to create more of it. Money by itself
is virtually useless, but it allows a man the means to acquire those things a
woman wants, whatever they may be. By
giving a woman what she wants, it is expected that the woman will give the man
what it is he wants - sex. And that's
usually what happens. Life's funny that
way, isn't it?
While it's widely believed (indeed even
prayed for) that a woman will also value intelligence, caring, and love, these
things won't always put food on the table, much less buy anything else. Intelligence is merely a means to acquire
wealth, which can be traded for sex.
And for a man, there can only be limited caring and love without
sex. Any otherwise perfect man who is
denied sex will quickly lose interest in a woman, no matter how great she
is. He'll soon be looking for another
woman to fill and fulfill his sexual needs.
Remember, a man is biologically driven to breed with many females. It is only society's admonitions that keep
men faithful and committed to a single woman.
By now you've probably heard that a man
wants his woman to be like his mother in the kitchen, a virgin in public, and a
whore in the bedroom. It's true. Men love to eat, and love to eat well. A woman who can't cook for a man (or worse,
won't) is almost as bad as a woman who won't sleep with a man. Good food, good wine, good sex - they're all
satisfying in their own right. And,
they all make a man sleep better, too.
In a public setting or social occasion a
woman is a trophy for a man to show off to other men. The more men who lust after that woman, the better - just don't
touch her! She's mine - all mine! Keep your dirty hands off her. You all want her, you can't have her, she's
sleeping with me! Nya-nya-nya. She's beautiful, she's gorgeous, and I'm
having sex with her. Ha! Ahhh, the silent yet knowing thoughts of
men. If she looks that good with her
clothes on, just think what she must be like with her clothes off. Eat your heart out, guys.
Hey, you wanted to know what men really
think, right? Well, that's the way men
think. The more desirable the woman is,
the higher esteem the man whom she is with holds in the eyes of his fellow
men. Women, too, react in much the same
way. Women want to know what it is that
that man has that would cause her to
want to be with him. At least, that's what men think!
A man needs sex as an integral component
of love. A man can have sex with any number
of women (when they'll let him), but he can only make love to a very special
woman, one whom he cares very deeply about.
Just as a woman needs to feel loved to enjoy sex, men need sex in order
to feel loved. Men can, and often do,
have sex without love, and will use sex to help them fall in love with a
woman. Coincidentally, women will also
use sex to help a man fall in love with them.
Sometimes things just work out that way.
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MATURITY ?
Maturity. Wow! What a sobering
concept! Some synonymous male words are
responsibility, job, career, practical car, mortgage, insurance, marriage, family man. Of course, these
should not be confused with similar words found in the male vocabulary to
describe the next stage in a man's life: flaccid, fat, bald, dead, and
buried. (Notice how that one rhymes
with married. Could that just be
coincidence?) Maturity. An eight-letter word. Two four letter words. That means it packs twice the punch as a
single four letter word.
While this might all sound humorous, it
does hold a few grains of truth in it.
For men, maturity means growing up.
In the words of songwriter John Mellencamp, "...Growing up leads to
growing old, and then to dying; and dying to me don't sound like all that much
fun...." And that's the story.
As much as men like being men, they all
secretly (and sometimes not so secretly) want to remain little boys for as long
as they can. Remember all the male
bonding rituals I mentioned earlier?
Did you happen to notice that they all are described as playing something? Now why do you suppose that is?
Little boys like to play. Big boys, too, like to play. Playing is fun. Playtime means having a good time and laughing, with no
responsibilities and no worries to think about. Even many things men do as adults are euphemistically referred to
as playing, as in "playing the field", "playing the
market", or "playing the game".
When, then, does a man become
mature? It usually takes some
experience equivalent to hitting him along side the head with a 2X4. A prime example can be readily observed on a
man's face in the seconds after telling him "Honey, I think I might be ...
pregnant." While it will be a
sheer case of torture for the man, the next time you want to amuse yourself you
can use this one on your man.
The Age of Maturity for most men is not
entered into voluntarily, and while there is no hard set rule to define it,
most men also instinctively know when their personal maturity level is forced
up to the next higher level. It usually
starts innocuously enough as a child when the boy's parents get him his first
pet, or his first bicycle. (These two
are quite interchangeable.) The next
level (again interchangeable) is usually a motorized vehicle or a girl
friend. Then we progress to the
girlfriend and the car. (Having one easily justifies the necessity to get the
other.) Somewhere along the way a job
gets thrown into the mix.
The real Age of Maturity is reached
sometime later, after the man has achieved the levels of independence,
supporting himself financially, making a major purchase such as a house and/or
land, and (shudder) marriage and fatherhood (hopefully in that order). A man who achieves the level of fatherhood
before he achieves the level of marriage has skipped a step, and will be forced
to go back and repeat himself until he gets it right. There are no shortcuts on the road to maturity.
A mature man has acquired a level of
knowledge through a combination of hard work and trial and error. It is an integral part of manhood to pass
this hard won knowledge from one generation of men to the next. Unfortunately, this knowledge is seldom
listened to by the younger men to whom it is imparted, until much later.
Maturity, like everything else in a
man's life, is a learned behavior. A
man's level of maturity is directly proportional to his level of learning. That's why a mature man is also often a learned
man. It is only through learning that a
man becomes mature.
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FAMILY MAN
The neighborhood women were gathered around
the pool, comparing notes on the men in town.
"Oh, he's a good family man." one was heard to say, as the
women seemed to agree, giving the anonymous male high marks.
Yeah, Right! As if that was the type
of man they all fantasized about while they were in the passionate throes of
unbridled, lustful ecstasy. Do you
think of Fabio as a good "family man?" Is that what makes women want him? Let's get real!
Men all know that being a family man is good and right. Every good father is also a good family man. Family Man provides a good home and a good
life for his family. It's a good
thing. It's just so hard to become a
family man.
Becoming
a family man means growing up, maturing, turning
into your father. It means settling
for what you've already got. It means
no more looking forward, over the next hill, for something better to come along
and sweep you off your feet. It means
taking that next big step in a man's life:
Marriage. It means assuming responsibility. Becoming a
family man means starting a family, children, and an end to life as the man has
known it so far.
Everything changes when a man becomes a
family man. For a man who has not yet
reached that stage in his life family man represents the end of carefree
independence and the real beginnings of Maturity. But for the man who has become a family man, he soon finds that
it's not all that bad. In fact, it soon
becomes quite enjoyable.
Most family men really do enjoy their
newfound lives as family men. It is
hard to explain how the pride of seeing his child and his family can compare
with the "fun" he used to have as a single man. Anything the man did alone as a single man
now pales in comparison to the joys he feels as a family man.
It is a huge step for a man to take,
becoming a family man. It requires much
thought and deliberation, and often involves the consultation of other men,
both single and married. It also
requires that level of maturity we've talked about.
Most men will agree that being a family
man is, on balance, very good. It just
takes a little effort to get there.
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CAREERS vs.
JOBS
The joke goes like this: What's the difference between a job and a
career? The truth is, the job is what
you're doing now, while you're waiting for your big break, the one that will
launch you into your new career in whatever you're not doing now. For example, there are no waiters in New York
City. They're all just aspiring actors,
doing research for their next role.
Yeah, Right!
A man gets a job to help pay his
bills. A man keeps working at his job
so he can keep paying his bills. A
man's job turns into his career when his job title gets a new name. We no longer have garbage men; we have
sanitation engineers. There are no more
janitors; they're now custodial engineers.
Salesmen have become purchasing consultants. Bartenders are now mixologists.
Bus drivers are now transportation facilitators. A cook is now a nutrition coordinator. The guy who cuts your grass is now your
landscape designer.
It's not enough anymore to simply have a
job. Everybody wants a career. Truth is, there is no difference. Ask a young man who has just graduated from
school what his career plans are and he'll tell you "I want to get a job
as ...."
Historically, careers were invented by
women to make their husbands' jobs seem more attractive and sound more
impressive than they really are, and to make their own jobs sound more
impressive, as well. Men just don't
care. A job by any other name....
A career is a job, or a series of jobs
in the same field. No fancy title will
change the truth of the matter. Keep It
Simple, Stupid. And speaking of simple
....
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