MAN-UAL:

An Owner's

Guide To Men

Kerry Thomas

Published by

The Thomas Group

a division of TNASCO, Inc.,

9200 Longs Rd, Sayner, Wisconsin 54560

TABLE OF CONTENTS

MAN-UAL: An Owner's Guide To Men

Chapter 1 Men: What Are We Talking About

Chapter 2 Growing Up Male

Chapter 3 Male Bonding

Chapter 4 Women and the Men Who Love Them

Chapter 5 Sex? Love? Whatever ...

Chapter 6 Maturity?

Chapter 7 Family Man

Chapter 8 Careers vs. Jobs

Chapter 9 Football

Chapter 10 Television and the Age of Man

Chapter 11 Men and Their Cars (Boys and Their Toys)

Chapter 12 The Male Body: Functions, Sounds and Design

Chapter 13 "All Men Are Assholes"

Chapter 14 The Exceptional Male

Chapter 15 Quick Troubleshooting

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MEN : WHAT ARE WE

TALKING ABOUT

In case you haven't noticed, or someone has tried to tell you otherwise, I have a news flash for you: Men and women are different! Yes, I know, there are people out there who are trying to tell you otherwise, but please believe me when I tell you that there are, indeed, differences between men and women. Always have been, and always will be.

Yes, there are the obvious differences, the physical attributes which serve to delineate the male gender from the female gender. Women have mammary glands, while men have prostate glands. (Strangely enough, though, it is uncomfortable for both men and women to have these glands examined by a doctor.) Our reproductive organs are different, and, generally, we differ in muscle mass and bone density.

But aside from these physical characteristics there is also a fundamental difference between men and women. What makes a man a man (and a woman a woman)? It's all in perception, in the way we look at the world, or rather, the way in which we are taught to look at the world.

At birth, baby boys and baby girls are pretty much equals (again aside from the obvious physical differences), with perhaps a slight edge given to the girls. If anything, it is baby girls to whom nature has given a higher degree of survivability, with good reason. Through the evolutionary process, time tested and proven over countless generations, it is baby girls who grow up to be women, and who will give birth to the next generation of humanity. It only takes a single adult boy to impregnate many adult girls.

Just look around. We see them trying every day. Why, in the course of an average single day the average adult male will try to position himself to have sex with as many as fifty to sixty women. It's all numbers and percentages. Most, sometimes all, of these women will deny him the opportunity. There will be some women, though, who will consent. And the man is happy.

How does that sweet, innocent baby boy turn into this raging hormone of a sex-driven progenitor? He learns, from his fellow man. You see, it is part of every man's job in life to properly teach young boys what it means to be a man. Much of this educational process is informal, learned through osmosis. There are some very strictly ritualized processes, though, that are observed, and are passed from one generation of men to the next.

It starts in the hospital waiting room. Every first time expectant father is hoping and praying for his child to be a boy. There are NO exceptions. Any man who says otherwise is lying. A man (almost instinctively) knows how he is going to raise his son. That's why, if the child is a girl, the father will always look around anxiously to find another man who already has a daughter, for reassurance as well as advice. He's lost at this point, and is looking for help from his fellow men.

When a son is born, the father hands out cigars to his fellow men. Why? No one really knows any more. It's just something men do. It defies explanation, as do so many of the things men do.

And that's what this book is all about. It will help you to understand men. If you were to ask a man why he just did whatever it was he just did he'll often say he doesn't know. He's not being facetious. He really doesn't know. It's just something he learned to do when he was growing up. It's part of being a man.

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GROWING UP MALE

When a baby is born it is placed into one of two categories: male, or female. This book is intended to help those readers who were born females to better understand just what it means to be a man, and to help explain how those male babies turn into men.

What does it mean to "be a man"? It all starts when the doctor announces "It's a boy!" The new father is happy with his child no matter if its a boy or a girl. For the father, however, its just much easier if the child happens to be a boy. With a son, the new father knows what his son's life will be like as a man. He knows how it feels to grow up as a young boy, to go through male puberty, to experience all the joys of life, and the sorrows, as a man.

New fathers are happy with their new child, no matter if it's a boy or a girl. If the child is a girl, though, the new father is both happy and scared out of his mind. He has no experience growing up as a girl. He doesn't know what her life will be like. He doesn't know how she will experience life's joys and sorrows as a girl. He must protect her from the world that is full of men, because he knows what all those men are like.

Yes, this new father can learn what it will be like for his daughter from his fellow men who have daughters, and from observing women. He can learn what it will be like to be a woman, but it's kind of like trying to teach a blind man what color means, or a deaf person what it sounds like to hear a bird sing, or children laughing. He can learn, but he will never really know.

This new father's life will be much easier (in his mind anyway) with a boy baby. He will be able to teach his son what it takes to be a man, because he has lived his life as a man. He, too, was born as a baby boy. He grew up as a boy. He learned what it means to be a man, and he is still learning about being a man. Everything he has done, everything he will do in this life, has been and will be from the perspective of a man. And so will his son.

As young boys grow from small children into young men they undergo a series of transformational processes which have evolved over the course of time and are designed to prepare them for the world of manhood. These rituals have their own unique characteristics, but they all are designed to teach the young male to survive and compete in the world. From basic survival rituals like fishing, hunting, and building shelter, to advanced male techniques in the arts of business, politics, and bullshitting your fellow man, they all have their roots in the one supreme unfailing goal of all men: sex.

As if you hadn't yet guessed, everything a man does in his life, everything he is taught in his life, is designed to make sex more accessible. All the money a man makes, all the power a man acquires, all the possessions a man accumulates, are all done for sex. Why does a man write a song? Why does a man drive himself so hard in business? Why does a man become a politician? (well, that one's kind of obvious, I guess.) To impress a woman so that she'll want to have sex with him.

We think of ourselves as being so intelligent, so advanced, with all of our inventions, all of our creations. Yet, when you strip away all the fancy packaging, all the hype, all the bells and whistles, it all boils down to our basic human drive for procreation. And this is at the heart of everything a young boy is taught that it takes to grow up to be a man.

The raw naked truth has been exposed! Men want sex! That's right. You read it here, revealed for the first time anywhere. Yeah, right! But the truth is men not only want sex, men also need sex. There is a basic biological drive that men have very little control over that drives them to want sex. It is only as a man ages that he slowly learns to control this biological reaction, and to properly utilize it.

This drive is obvious when you look at a group of adolescent males, just entering puberty. This is the most confusing, frustrating, wonderful, scary time of a young man's life. It's also the origin of the male debate known as "length vs. width." Much blessed is the young boy who enters puberty before his friends do, for his is the penis which grows largest. At least, that's what all the other boys will remember for the rest of their lives.

Also along with a larger penis comes ... hair! Both pubic hair and facial hair begin to grow as a boy enters puberty. It is the boy's first visible sign, that he can show publicly, that he is becoming a man. Of course, it looks ridiculous for a twelve-year-old boy to have a moustache, so he shaves the facial hair. Ah, the ritualistic first shave. As his father teaches the boy how to shave he also thinks silently about two things: his own trials and tribulations of puberty, and the thought that his son will soon become sexually active, which, in the male world, means no more close physical contact with the boy, for that might be interpreted as a homosexual act.

That's another unspoken male law: There shall be no close physical contact between males, for that is what causes homosexuality. It is only on extremely rare occasions, where deep emotions cannot be suppressed, that men may have close physical contact with other men, such as in celebration of winning the Super Bowl, or during times of great sorrow, like when Mom dies. The other exception to the law is during a fight. At all other times male contact is limited to a handshake, or a friendly punch. Ass slapping is reserved for professional athletes.

Which brings us to the topic of physical education. School in general and puberty just don't mix well for young men. It's worst in Phy Ed class, especially when there are girls in the area, or the attractive young woman who always teaches girl's P.E. Remember that a pubescent male has very little control over his penis, and even though a jock is designed to help suppress an erection, a young boy can only withstand so much visual stimulation. Sooner (seldom later) comes the inevitable reaction of an erection, and woe be it to any boy who foolishly strips off his gym clothes while erect to step into the shower. No school-age male wants to see another boy's erect penis in the shower. It means that the boy with the erection is gay, and he might be contagious!

Outside of P.E. class pubescent young males are also susceptible to every attractive young female teacher in school, especially the ones called Miss. The boys secretly know that she is not married, and she just might be interested in them. After all, the boy is already in puberty. Soon he'll be a man, and she'll want him then. As long as she doesn't do something to embarrass him, like make him stand up in front of class before the erection she caused can go away. It is very difficult, nay, very hard, for a boy with an erection to stand up from a seated position. It's impossible to do in public, which may also help account for many men's fears of public speaking. Who knows when and where that darn thing just might decide to pop up again....

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MALE BONDING

We've all heard the term: Male Bonding. It's a collective term used to describe the many (sometimes unexplainable) rituals men go through together as men. But just what exactly is male bonding, and why do men need to bond?

Men, by nature, are solitary creatures. Men view other men as rivals, as the enemy, when it comes to the topic of women. Nature has decreed that men shall compete with other men for the right to breed. In the natural world, only the strongest, the smartest, the fastest males are allowed to breed, to insure the survival of the species.

The strength of this law of nature is not lost on today's men. To a man, another man is always a potential rival for the affections of a woman. There is always someone better out there, somewhere, and , of course, he's looking to steal My Woman.

How, then, can men possibly reconcile this primitive fear and distrust of other men with the rituals of male bonding. Simple. Men of like mind bond together to defend against the common enemy, and the mortal enemy of man is woman.

That's right. Women, the object of a man's desires, the most beautiful creature on the planet, the heart of everything a man does, woman is also the enemy of man. Why? Because women are creatures of mystery to men. No man, in the entire history of mankind, has ever been able to completely and fully understand women. Jesus came close a few years back, but even He couldn't figure it all out.

It's been said that people tend to make fun of things they don't understand. It would follow, then, that men would naturally make fun of women, and, when threatened, come together in defense of each other. Men often feel threatened by women, and, in the course of time, have developed many defensive rituals we collectively call male bonding.

Male bonding should not be confused with male teaching. Teaching happens between males of different generations, as when a father teaches his son to drink. Bonding happens between males of any age who are not closely related, as when a group of men get drunk together (see "All Men Are Assholes). After he has experienced a certain amount of life, and can relate these experiences, a son may bond with his father, but it is on a man-to-man basis.

As noted, the most common form of male bonding is drinking together. This practice usually involves one or more of any number of corollary activities, such as a sporting event, playing poker, hunting, fishing, anything involving naked women, or anything involving the police. Strangely enough, the longer the ritualistic drinking goes on, the more of these corollary activities seem to get involved.

Perhaps the strangest of all male bonding rituals is the practice known as "head butting." This practice is most closely associated with college football players. Quite simply, it consists of two males lowering their heads and ramming into each other head first, like two bighorn sheep butting heads during mating season. While this might be a turn-on for the female sheep, very few women seem to find this practice arousing. For the men involved, though, it seems to be just another version of "Who Has the Larger Penis."

What all male bonding rituals have in common is an occasion to allow men to be men, in all their disgusting glory. Men are allowed to relax, have a good hearty laugh or two, and commiserate about women.

Men don't care what other men look like. In fact, part of male bonding is trying to see who has the most disgusting physical features: Who can dig out the most ear wax from his own ear; Who has the most bellybutton lint; and two perennial favorites, who can belch the loudest and/or longest, and who has the loudest/smelliest fart. Men just can't do these things in the company of women.

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WOMEN AND THE

MEN WHO LOVE THEM

While it may not always be evident, men truly love women. Not necessarily all the time, and not necessarily the particular woman a man happens to be with at any given moment, but men do love women. Which helps explain why it is the goal of every man to (make) love (to) as many women as possible before it's too late. When is it too late? For most men, when the preacher says the word "wife" (as in "I now pronounce you man and wife") THEN it's too late. Remember, though, there are some men who believe nothing less than six feet of dirt in their eyes will mean it's too late.

Nothing is more beautiful, nothing holds more mystery, and nothing is so completely and totally incomprehensible to a man as a woman. A man can grow up next door to a girl, date her exclusively through school, marry her, raise a family with her, celebrate fifty years of marriage with this same woman, and she can still find some way to baffle and confound that man. No matter how well a man thinks he knows a woman, a man, by definition, cannot ever fully understand a woman, any woman.

With a little thoughtful insight, however, most women can learn to understand what makes a particular man tick. (But women have yet to comprehend the male species.) Obviously, women learn how to affect men at an early age. Whether it be by outright deceit, sheer cunning, feigned helplessness, or other means, women can get men to do just about anything the woman wants done. It just takes pushing the right buttons, and more times than not, just the hint of a potential sexual encounter at some future point (minutes, hours, days, or weeks later) is all it takes.

About the only advantage a man has with a woman is the fact that she has trouble measuring the length of two things. Get your mind out of the gutter. I'm talking about time and distance. A man can make three minutes seem like forever (because, perhaps, in his mind, it did seem to take forever), and always thinks things are longer than they really are (How many times have you heard that six inches was really a foot?). Perhaps this difficulty women have with measurements has something to do with the notions that their bust size is always larger, their waists are always smaller, their hips are also smaller, their dress size is always smaller, or their shoe size is really smaller than it really is. Even their weight is always less than it really is.

In a man's mind it's always simpler just to tell it the way it is. Men are simple creatures who like things simple. When a woman asks a man how his day was, she wants to know all the little details about what exactly happened during every minute of his day. Note she won't ask for this detail; why should she? As a woman, she intuitively knows that's what she has asked to hear, and fully expects the man to know that's what she's asked to hear. But to the man, simple as he is, she's asked a simple question, requiring a simple answer. "Good." Meaning: It was a good day for the man, sometimes followed by "...and how was yours?"

Now in the man's mind, he has just politely asked a simple, rhetorical question, which, if answered, should only require a simple response. He is not hoping to hear a minute-by-minute account of the woman's activities during the day. Apply the KISS principle, and Keep It Simple, Stupid! When he wants to hear more details of the day, he'll ask you for them.

Yes, at their heart men are simple creatures. That's why men tend to have so much trouble with complex things like emotions. Emotions are not easily nor rationally explained, and perhaps the most confusing emotion of all is love.

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SEX ? LOVE ? WHATEVER ...

What do you think of when you say "Let's make love"? To a man, it means "I want to have sex with you." There is a difference between having sex and making love, and even loving someone.

The need for sex and love is what drives almost everything men do. (DUH! No surprise there.) The basic primal requirement to somehow impress a woman so much she'll decide to let you have sex with her is the male prime factor. It is nature's law that only the most dominant male gets to breed with the females of the species. In humans, that means men have to impress women, in any way they know how.

The most obvious method is by sheer physical prowess. The most physically impressive men are the ones who naturally attract women. While these steroid-and-iron-pumping titans often end up being brain dead and impotent, women can't help but be aroused by their appearance. This arousal is nature's message that she should offer herself to this male for breeding. It's a means to insure the survival of the species.

Another great quality that has emerged to impress women of late is wealth, the accumulation of money, and the ability to create more of it. Money by itself is virtually useless, but it allows a man the means to acquire those things a woman wants, whatever they may be. By giving a woman what she wants, it is expected that the woman will give the man what it is he wants - sex. And that's usually what happens. Life's funny that way, isn't it?

While it's widely believed (indeed even prayed for) that a woman will also value intelligence, caring, and love, these things won't always put food on the table, much less buy anything else. Intelligence is merely a means to acquire wealth, which can be traded for sex. And for a man, there can only be limited caring and love without sex. Any otherwise perfect man who is denied sex will quickly lose interest in a woman, no matter how great she is. He'll soon be looking for another woman to fill and fulfill his sexual needs. Remember, a man is biologically driven to breed with many females. It is only society's admonitions that keep men faithful and committed to a single woman.

By now you've probably heard that a man wants his woman to be like his mother in the kitchen, a virgin in public, and a whore in the bedroom. It's true. Men love to eat, and love to eat well. A woman who can't cook for a man (or worse, won't) is almost as bad as a woman who won't sleep with a man. Good food, good wine, good sex - they're all satisfying in their own right. And, they all make a man sleep better, too.

In a public setting or social occasion a woman is a trophy for a man to show off to other men. The more men who lust after that woman, the better - just don't touch her! She's mine - all mine! Keep your dirty hands off her. You all want her, you can't have her, she's sleeping with me! Nya-nya-nya. She's beautiful, she's gorgeous, and I'm having sex with her. Ha! Ahhh, the silent yet knowing thoughts of men. If she looks that good with her clothes on, just think what she must be like with her clothes off. Eat your heart out, guys.

Hey, you wanted to know what men really think, right? Well, that's the way men think. The more desirable the woman is, the higher esteem the man whom she is with holds in the eyes of his fellow men. Women, too, react in much the same way. Women want to know what it is that that man has that would cause her to want to be with him. At least, that's what men think!

A man needs sex as an integral component of love. A man can have sex with any number of women (when they'll let him), but he can only make love to a very special woman, one whom he cares very deeply about. Just as a woman needs to feel loved to enjoy sex, men need sex in order to feel loved. Men can, and often do, have sex without love, and will use sex to help them fall in love with a woman. Coincidentally, women will also use sex to help a man fall in love with them. Sometimes things just work out that way.

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MATURITY ?

Maturity. Wow! What a sobering concept! Some synonymous male words are responsibility, job, career, practical car, mortgage, insurance, marriage, family man. Of course, these should not be confused with similar words found in the male vocabulary to describe the next stage in a man's life: flaccid, fat, bald, dead, and buried. (Notice how that one rhymes with married. Could that just be coincidence?) Maturity. An eight-letter word. Two four letter words. That means it packs twice the punch as a single four letter word.

While this might all sound humorous, it does hold a few grains of truth in it. For men, maturity means growing up. In the words of songwriter John Mellencamp, "...Growing up leads to growing old, and then to dying; and dying to me don't sound like all that much fun...." And that's the story.

As much as men like being men, they all secretly (and sometimes not so secretly) want to remain little boys for as long as they can. Remember all the male bonding rituals I mentioned earlier? Did you happen to notice that they all are described as playing something? Now why do you suppose that is?

Little boys like to play. Big boys, too, like to play. Playing is fun. Playtime means having a good time and laughing, with no responsibilities and no worries to think about. Even many things men do as adults are euphemistically referred to as playing, as in "playing the field", "playing the market", or "playing the game".

When, then, does a man become mature? It usually takes some experience equivalent to hitting him along side the head with a 2X4. A prime example can be readily observed on a man's face in the seconds after telling him "Honey, I think I might be ... pregnant." While it will be a sheer case of torture for the man, the next time you want to amuse yourself you can use this one on your man.

The Age of Maturity for most men is not entered into voluntarily, and while there is no hard set rule to define it, most men also instinctively know when their personal maturity level is forced up to the next higher level. It usually starts innocuously enough as a child when the boy's parents get him his first pet, or his first bicycle. (These two are quite interchangeable.) The next level (again interchangeable) is usually a motorized vehicle or a girl friend. Then we progress to the girlfriend and the car. (Having one easily justifies the necessity to get the other.) Somewhere along the way a job gets thrown into the mix.

The real Age of Maturity is reached sometime later, after the man has achieved the levels of independence, supporting himself financially, making a major purchase such as a house and/or land, and (shudder) marriage and fatherhood (hopefully in that order). A man who achieves the level of fatherhood before he achieves the level of marriage has skipped a step, and will be forced to go back and repeat himself until he gets it right. There are no shortcuts on the road to maturity.

A mature man has acquired a level of knowledge through a combination of hard work and trial and error. It is an integral part of manhood to pass this hard won knowledge from one generation of men to the next. Unfortunately, this knowledge is seldom listened to by the younger men to whom it is imparted, until much later.

Maturity, like everything else in a man's life, is a learned behavior. A man's level of maturity is directly proportional to his level of learning. That's why a mature man is also often a learned man. It is only through learning that a man becomes mature.

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FAMILY MAN

The neighborhood women were gathered around the pool, comparing notes on the men in town. "Oh, he's a good family man." one was heard to say, as the women seemed to agree, giving the anonymous male high marks.

Yeah, Right! As if that was the type of man they all fantasized about while they were in the passionate throes of unbridled, lustful ecstasy. Do you think of Fabio as a good "family man?" Is that what makes women want him? Let's get real!

Men all know that being a family man is good and right. Every good father is also a good family man. Family Man provides a good home and a good life for his family. It's a good thing. It's just so hard to become a family man.

Becoming a family man means growing up, maturing, turning into your father. It means settling for what you've already got. It means no more looking forward, over the next hill, for something better to come along and sweep you off your feet. It means taking that next big step in a man's life: Marriage. It means assuming responsibility. Becoming a family man means starting a family, children, and an end to life as the man has known it so far.

Everything changes when a man becomes a family man. For a man who has not yet reached that stage in his life family man represents the end of carefree independence and the real beginnings of Maturity. But for the man who has become a family man, he soon finds that it's not all that bad. In fact, it soon becomes quite enjoyable.

Most family men really do enjoy their newfound lives as family men. It is hard to explain how the pride of seeing his child and his family can compare with the "fun" he used to have as a single man. Anything the man did alone as a single man now pales in comparison to the joys he feels as a family man.

It is a huge step for a man to take, becoming a family man. It requires much thought and deliberation, and often involves the consultation of other men, both single and married. It also requires that level of maturity we've talked about.

Most men will agree that being a family man is, on balance, very good. It just takes a little effort to get there.

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CAREERS vs. JOBS

The joke goes like this: What's the difference between a job and a career? The truth is, the job is what you're doing now, while you're waiting for your big break, the one that will launch you into your new career in whatever you're not doing now. For example, there are no waiters in New York City. They're all just aspiring actors, doing research for their next role. Yeah, Right!

A man gets a job to help pay his bills. A man keeps working at his job so he can keep paying his bills. A man's job turns into his career when his job title gets a new name. We no longer have garbage men; we have sanitation engineers. There are no more janitors; they're now custodial engineers. Salesmen have become purchasing consultants. Bartenders are now mixologists. Bus drivers are now transportation facilitators. A cook is now a nutrition coordinator. The guy who cuts your grass is now your landscape designer.

It's not enough anymore to simply have a job. Everybody wants a career. Truth is, there is no difference. Ask a young man who has just graduated from school what his career plans are and he'll tell you "I want to get a job as ...."

Historically, careers were invented by women to make their husbands' jobs seem more attractive and sound more impressive than they really are, and to make their own jobs sound more impressive, as well. Men just don't care. A job by any other name....

A career is a job, or a series of jobs in the same field. No fancy title will change the truth of the matter. Keep It Simple, Stupid. And speaking of simple ....

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