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©2004 Kerry Thomas
All Rights Reserved
MAN-UAL:
An
Owner’s Guide To Men
©
2004 Kerry Thomas
written by
Kerry Thomas
May
19, 2005 Kerry Thomas
9200
Longs Rd
Sayner,
Wisconsin 54560
(715)
542-3372
FADE
IN:
EXT.
SUNNY BEACH -- AFTERNOON
THEME
MUSIC AND OPENING CREDITS BEGIN
On
a beach about half full of people, one beautiful woman after another catches
our eye. Like a kid in a candy store,
our focus races from one gorgeous woman to the next, unable to decide exactly
which of these numerous beauties to follow.
The
women are enjoying a day at the beach:
Numerous
women laying on their towels, getting a tan
Reading
a book
Playing
volleyball with a few young men
Wading
into the water and coming out of the water
There
are even a few women roller blading along the paved walkway between the parking
lot and the beach.
FEMALE
NARRATOR
Men
aren't difficult to figure out. They
want sex.
The
camera continues to pan back and forth until finally
ANGLE
ON
ONE
STUNNINGLY ATTRACTIVE WOMAN, 40, long flowing hair. She's wearing a swimsuit so skimpy that it's just barely legal on
most public beaches.
FULL
SHOT
Strutting
across the sand as if she owns it, this Stunningly attractive woman draws the
attention of everyone on the beach, even the women. The poor men on the beach can barely do more than stand there,
eyes wide, mouths agape, staring in awe.
One
woman who was reading a book even peers over the book for a better view.
The
volleyball lands in the sand. The
volleyball players have become distracted, staring at this woman.
The
stunningly attractive woman makes her way to the water. She wades into the water and begins to swim
out from shore.
FINISH
OPENING CREDITS
DISSOLVE TO:
SAME
BEACH -- SUNSET
The
beach is now deserted, except for a few flying sea gulls silhouetted against
the setting sun.
FEMALE
NARRATOR
Men
want sex. That's it. End of story. Good night and thanks for coming.
END
CREDITS begin to roll over the setting sun.
SUNSET
FADES TO BLACK
ROLLING
CREDITS STOP ABRUPTLY
The
music screeches to a halt.
CUT TO:
INT.
DR. ANDERSON'S OFFICE -- DAY
The
Female Narrator is DR. LESLIE ANDERSON, 50, psychologist, cerebral, dark red
hair pulled back into a bun. She's
seated behind her desk.
A
computer monitor is sitting next to Dr. Anderson on a side desk. Full bookshelves line the walls of her
office.
Also
in Dr. Anderson's office is the Stunningly Attractive Woman, JILLIAN. She's seated in a chair across the desk from
Dr. Anderson.
JILLIAN
Well,
no shit, Leslie.
Tell
me something I don't know, doctor.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
Oh,
you want the details? With your
experiences, Jillian, I'd think you could almost write your own book about men
and what they want.
JILLIAN
Me? What about you? Former escort turned psychologist? You're the expert here.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
Maybe. Some day.
After I've had my fill of them.
JILLIAN
Besides,
the "what men want" part I could cover in the first chapter all by
itself. Men are so predictable.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
Tell
me something I don't know.
JILLIAN
And
you're right. They just want sex. Sex sex sex. Is that all men think about?
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
Jillian,
I've been a clinical psychologist for over 5 years now. And you'd be surprised at how many problems
come right down to that.
JILLIAN
They're
just so different from us.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
Jill,
you know women think about sex a lot too.
JILLIAN
Well,
sure. But they don't know that.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
Most
of the women I counsel want to know what really makes men work. They want to know how men think, what they
feel.
JILLIAN
You
mean men actually think? With their
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
Brains
JILLIAN
Yeah. I was just gonna say that.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
Yeah. Sure you were.
JILLIAN
Stop.
I'm not that bad.
Leslie
arches an eyebrow and looks at her with a knowing look. Jillian lets out a short laugh from
embarrassment.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
Any
how, after all those counseling sessions, all that therapy, I can safely say
that, yes, when it comes right down to it,
men are obsessed with sex.
Of
course, so are women.
JILLIAN
Leslie!
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
Well,
we are! We're all trying to look
younger, stay in shape, stay firm and trim.
Whether we women want to admit it or not, we're just as obsessed with
sex as men are. Maybe not quite so
overtly, but in our own subtle ways.
EXT.
FREEWAY -- DAY
Jillian
and Leslie talk while they ride along the freeway in Jillian's CONVERTIBLE
CORVETTE.
JILLIAN
Have
you ever considered writing your own book about it all? Those things practically sell themselves.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
I
wrote enough research papers in school.
Besides, I have enough on my plate these days without spending the next
year writing a book.
JILLIAN
More
like two years by the time it gets published.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
Exactly.
Hey! I've got it! Jill, you run a production company. Let's make a movie!
JILLIAN
A
movie? A movie!
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
A
movie!
JILLIAN
A
movie about men!
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
A movie about men. About what they really think, what they really feel, when we're
not around.
JILLIAN
But
I thought you didn't want to write?
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
That
was when we were talking about me writing a book. This is a movie. It's
different. It's show business.
JILLIAN
Have
you ever written a movie before?
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
No,
but how hard could it be? Have you seen
some of the crap the studios are putting out these days?
JILLIAN
I
should be offended by that remark.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
Oh,
Jill. You can only produce a good movie
if they bring you a good script. It
might take me a while, but I'll bring you a good script.
JILLIAN
You
know, we could always hire someone to write it for us. Lots of hungry writers around. Just ask any waiter. That's what Hillary did, you know. With that stupid village book she came out
with.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
That'd
be even better. We could just give the
writer the story and save us the trouble of actually writing it.
JILLIAN
Oh,
Leslie. This is going to be great.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
We're
going to make a movie.
We're
going to make a movie.
CUT TO:
INT.
DR. ANDERSON'S OFFICE -- DAY
Dr.
Anderson is seated at her desk, looking directly at the camera.
JILLIAN
Action.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
Hi. I'm Doctor Leslie Anderson. In my many years as a clinical psychologist
I have had the opportunity to observe men and women and the way they interact
with one another. Most of my female
patients eventually want to know one of two things. What do men want, and why are men such assholes?
Now,
men aren't complicated, the way women are.
Men are simple creatures, with simple wants. Quite simply, men want sex.
As
for the second question, the answer to that one gets a little more complicated.
Dr.
Anderson gets up from her desk, picks up a long pointer, and walks toward a
writing easel.
The
easel has a large pad of paper mounted on it.
Stapled to the front sheet of the easel is a PICTURE of a MALE
CENTERFOLD, 22, scruffy evening shadow growth of facial hair, artistically
nude, sculpted body.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
The
first thing you should know is that men are different from women. I know that will come as a shock to some of
you who have been told otherwise. But
it's true. Men and women really are
different. Always have been, always
will be.
Yes,
of course, there are the obvious differences, the physical attributes which
serve to distinguish men from women.
Dr.
Anderson points toward the picture of the Male Centerfold.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
Men
have more muscular chests than the softer fatty tissue of a woman's
breasts. Men generally have more muscle
mass and heavier bone structures than women.
CLOSE
UP OF MALE CENTERFOLD's FACE
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
Facial
hair ...
INT.
PHOTOGRAPHY STUDIO -- DAY
The
Male Centerfold Model, whose picture was on Dr. Anderson's easel, is posing for
his pictorial.
SOUND
of a CAMERA CLICKING away, synchronized with FLASHING STROBES.
Dr.
Anderson's voice begins to trail off.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
...
muscular chests...larger, firmer hands...and their cocks, um, oh,
penises...which, of course, are used to...
INT.
DR. ANDERSON'S OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS
By
now Dr. Anderson is visibly "bothered," with eyes closed and her back
beginning to arch. Suddenly aware of
her actions, she opens her eyes, looks around, and composes herself.
JILLIAN
Leslie! Cut!
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
Sorry,
Jill. I guess I just got carried away.
JILLIAN
Okay. Take a second. Compose yourself.
Ready? Rolling. And...Action!
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
Where
was I? Oh, yes. Ahem.
Glands.
While
women have mammary glands, men have prostate glands. And while they're each located in different areas of the body,
strangely enough it's usually uncomfortable to have either examined.
INT.
DOCTOR'S EXAMINATION ROOM -- AFTERNOON
As
a MALE DOCTOR snaps on a rubber glove, and lubes up one finger, he calmly tells
his NERVOUS MALE PATIENT
MALE
DOCTOR
OK,
now, Mr. Doyle, if you'll just drop your pants and bend over this examining
table ... this might be a little uncomfortable.
From
the expression on Mr. Doyle's face, it's pretty obvious that the prostate exam
has begun.
MALE
DOCTOR
So
... you do any ... fishing lately?
INT.
DR. ANDERSON'S OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
Kinda
makes you re-think that whole "penis envy" thing, doesn't it?
She
walks back to her desk.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
But,
aside from those physical differences, there is a more fundamental difference
between men and women.
Dr.
Anderson sits down.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
So
what is it that makes a man a man and a woman a woman? And no, it's not just that men think about
sex all the time.
I'll
let you in on a little secret. Women
think about sex too. Maybe not quite as
often ... then again .. But the real difference between men and women lies in
the way in which we perceive the world around us. Or, more accurately, in the way we are taught to look at the
world.
EXT.
BUSY CITY SIDEWALK -- DAY
Our
now fully dressed Male Centerfold and Jillian approach one another along a
sidewalk. Their eyes meet briefly, each
of them looking at the other. They
think to themselves
P.O.V.
MALE CENTERFOLD
MALE
CENTERFOLD
Oh,
Man! Take at look at that milf. I'd surely love to get a piece of that! C'mon Baby, just a peak. Lemme see those ....
P.O.V.
JILLIAN
JILLIAN
He's
kinda cute. I wonder if he likes
kids? I could see myself with him ...
INT.
DR. ANDERSON'S OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
Hmm,
probably not.
As
I was saying, men and women are taught to view the world in different
ways. It all starts at birth.
INT.
HOSPITAL MATERNITY WARD -- AFTERNOON
A
room full of CRYING NEWBORN BABIES in cribs.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
At
birth, baby boys and baby girls are pretty much the same, again, aside from the
obvious physical differences, with perhaps a slight edge given by Mother Nature
to the baby girls.
And
for good reason. After all, it's the
baby girls who will grow up to be women and give birth to the next generation
of humanity, ensuring the continuation of the species.
INT.
MORMON HOUSEHOLD, UTAH -- EVENING
A
polygamous MORMON FATHER comes home, and is warmly greeted by a THRONG OF
CHILDREN and several ADULT WOMEN.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
It
only takes one surviving adult male to impregnate oh so many adult
females. It's an age old story, time
tested and proven over countless generations, especially in Utah.
EXT.
BUSY CITY CONSTRUCTION SITE -- DAY
BEEFY
CONSTRUCTION WORKERS go about their business, occasionally pausing to admire
the passing sidewalk scenery.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
And
those adult males do try to mate with numerous females every day. It's almost an obsession with some of
them. Why, in the course of one single
day an average man will try to position himself to mate with as many as fifty
or sixty women, just hoping one will say yes.
As
one woman after another dares to walk past the construction site, three
construction workers, JOE, 25, HARRY, 40, and MAX, 45, try to attract their
attention.
JOE
CONSTRUCTION WORKER
(to
any random woman walking past)
Yo! Hey Baby!
HARRY
CONSTRUCTION WORKER
I
got what you need, Baby!
MAX
CONSTRUCTION WORKER
Right
here, Mama!
JOE
CONSTRUCTION WORKER
You
and me, Baby. It'll be beautiful.
One
BRAVE WOMAN makes a rather inappropriate un-lady-like gesture in response.
CONSTRUCTION
WORKERS
(in
unison)
Whoooaaaa!
INT.
NEIGHBORHOOD BAR -- HAPPY HOUR
The
three construction workers, Joe, Harry & Max, meet at their favorite bar
after work. As they come in and make
their way through the crowd
HARRY
Hey,
Max, grab us a table and a coupla brews.
I gotta take a leak.
MAX
Your
usual? You got it Harry.
Harry
disappears into the men's room, as Max picks a table and is seated. He looks around, scanning the crowd to find
out where Joe went.
Joe,
who was with his friends when they came in, has been distracted. He's going around the bar, whispering in
women's ears. One by one, the first
three women all slap him in the face. A
fourth woman throws her drink in his face.
Joe, wiping his face, comes over and joins Max at the table.
MAX
(to
a passing waitress)
Miss. Could you please get a towel for my friend
Joe here? Thanks.
WAITRESS
You
guys do this every week. If you keep this up, we're gonna have to start
charging you for laundry.
Harry
comes back and joins his companions, trying to pick up the waitress.
HARRY
How
about if I just come over tonight and pay you off in person, Julie?
WAITRESS
JULIE
In
your dreams, Harry.
HARRY
Every
night, Baby.
WAITRESS
JULIE
Tell
me all about it tomorrow.
HARRY
If
you insist!
WAITRESS
JULIE
You're
impossible.
Waitress
Julie turns her back to the men and walks away.
INT.
DR. ANDERSON'S OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
You
see, for men, it's all a numbers game.
Men know they won't be able to sleep with every woman they meet, but
they still have to at least try.
INT.
NEIGHBORHOOD BAR -- MOMENTS LATER
The
three construction workers have managed to finish most of a pitcher of beer,
and are all laughing hysterically.
HARRY
...so
the salesman says to her "Because, Ma'am, that's a microwave!"
Even
more hysterical laughter.
As
the construction workers begin to catch their breath, Max finishes his beer.
MAX
Okay,
guys, I gotta get going. I promised my
wife I'd be home for dinner at least once this week.
HARRY
Aw,
c'mon, Max, stay and help us with another pitcher.
Max
gets up and starts to leave.
MAX
I
can't. Really. I'll see you guys at work tomorrow.
Max
taps Joe on the shoulder. They both
look toward the bar. There they see yet
another hot woman, sitting at the bar.
The woman appears to be by herself.
Max
and Joe give each other a knowing look, and nod in silent agreement. Max smiles, gives Joe the thumbs up, and
leaves.
Joe
finishes his beer, and gets up.
JOE
S'cuze
me, Harry.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
And
with any numbers game, sooner or later they get lucky.
Harry
watches, as Joe approaches this woman at the bar and whispers in her ear. With a quizzical look on her face, she cocks her head to one side, then smiles. She nods.
Joe smiles, nods, and waves goodbye to Harry. Joe puts his arm around the woman he's just picked up. She puts her arm around him, and reaches
down to squeeze his butt. The two of them leave together.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
And
man is happy.
It
doesn't take much.
INT.
DR. ANDERSON'S OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
But
how does a sweet innocent baby boy turn into one of these sex-crazed
progenitors? He learns, from his fellow
males.
You
see, it's part of every man's job in life, aside from mating, to properly teach
young boys what it means to "be a man."
Now,
much of this "education" is informal, learned through osmosis. There are, however, some very strict
ritualized processes which are passed from one generation of men to the next.
It
starts in the hospital waiting room.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT.
HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM -- AFTERNOON
A
waiting room full of NERVOUS EXPECTANT FATHERS of every age.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
Every
first time expectant father is hoping and praying for a baby boy. There are no exceptions. Any man who says otherwise is lying. A man wants a son to carry on his family
name, a son he can be proud of.
HENRY,
a very mature "Grandfather-type" man, turns to the man sitting next
to him. He's a YOUNG EXPECTANT FATHER,
late 20's, in jeans and a sports jacket.
HENRY
I
have six kids. Is this your first time?
YOUNG
EXPECTANT FATHER
Yes.
HENRY
You
want a boy or a girl?
YOUNG
EXPECTANT FATHER
Oh,
as long as it's healthy I really don't care if we get a boy or a girl. My wife, Caroline, wants a little girl.
HENRY
I
know you can't tell your wife, but you secretly want a boy, right?
YOUNG
EXPECTANT FATHER
(grinning)
Yeah. Oh, that'd be so great.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
For
a man, he already knows his son will grow up to be a man, and make Dad
proud. He has the kid's life all
planned out already.
YOUNG
EXPECTANT FATHER
I
could take him to ball games, and to the races. We could go hunting and fishing.
I could teach him how to ride a bike, and throw the old football
around. Teach him how to drive. And teach him about women. The way my Dad taught me.
HENRY
(smiling)
That's
what it's all about, Son. Teach that
boy what it means to be a man.
YOUNG
EXPECTANT FATHER
Is
that what you did with your son?
HENRY
I'm
still waiting for my first boy. Hope
this one did the trick. Yep, six kids,
all girls. If I don't have a son this
time, I'm throwing in the towel. I'm
getting too old to keep doing this.
Just
then the waiting room door opens. A
MATERNITY NURSE comes into the waiting room.
She asks
MATERNITY
NURSE
Mr.
Johnson?
A
man in his early 20's stands up, nervously.
CARL
JOHNSON
I'm
Carl Johnson.
MATERNITY
NURSE
Congratulations,
Mr. Johnson. You have a healthy new
baby girl!
Suddenly,
Carl Johnson gets a very frightened look on his face. He looks around the room full of men, desperately looking for
reassurance. The men in the waiting
room just look at Carl, in sympathy.
MEN
(all
together, quietly)
Awwww.
The
nurse takes Mr. Johnson through the door.
As it closes behind them, most of the remaining men drop their heads and
shake them slowly, in disappointment.
Moments
later, the same nurse comes back. All
eyes are on her, optimism in their faces.
MATERNITY
NURSE
And
the winner is ... Danny Williams?
Danny
Williams, the Young Expectant Father that's been talking to Henry, jumps to his
feet.
MATERNITY
NURSE
Congratulations,
Mr. Williams. It's a boy!
DANNY
WILLIAMS
Yahoo! All Right!
Yes! A boy! I knew it!
All Right.
The
men all share his joy, smiling, nodding in approval. Danny makes his way around the room, high-fiving everyone. When Danny gets back to Henry, Henry shakes
Danny's hand vigorously.
HENRY
Congratulations,
Mr. Williams. You have a son.
DANNY
WILLIAMS
A
son. A son. My son! I have a
son! I have a son!
Danny
reaches inside his sports jacket and pulls out a handful of cigars. He hands them out to Henry and the men who
were sitting closest to him, shaking hands in congratulatory celebration.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT.
WILD WILD PREHISTORIC WEST, OPEN RANGE -- DAY
Two
prehistoric CRO MAGNON MEN, clad in hides, meet on the open range. They look like they could be Danny's and
Henry's early ancestors. They begin to
grunt unintelligibly to one another.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
No
one is sure exactly how the tradition of passing out cigars when a son is born
first began, but ....
As
the prehistoric men grunt at one another, English subtitles translate for us.
CRO
MAGNON MAN DANNY
You
were right.
CRO
MAGNON MAN HENRY
You
had a Son?
CRO
MAGNON MAN DANNY
Yes. So I owe you.
CRO
MAGNON MAN HENRY
Ha! I knew it.
Yes, 2 cigars.
CRO
MAGNON MAN DANNY
Want
to try for double or nothing on your next one?
Cro
Magnon Man Danny reaches inside his hide overcoat and hands 2 cigars to Cro
Magnon Man Henry.
CRO
MAGNON MAN HENRY
No. After six females, I'm getting too old for
this. Umbga makes me put on a snake
skin now when we do it.
CRO
MAGNON MAN DANNY
Jaxta
wants me to wear one, now, too, but I told her I can't feel it when I wear one.
CRO
MAGNON MAN HENRY
And
she believed you? I'll have to try that
one next time.
The
prehistoric men both laugh.
INT.
DR. ANDERSON'S OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
Like
so many of the things men do, it defies rational explanation.
Have
you ever asked a man why he just did something stupid? It's as bad as asking a small child the same
thing. And you'll get the same dumb
answer.
"I
dunno."
This
man is not being facetious. He really
doesn't know! It's just something he
learned to do when he was growing up.
It's part of "Being a Man."
FULL
SHOT GRAPHICS PAGE -- "MEN: WHAT ARE WE TALKING ABOUT?"
INT.
DR. ANDERSON'S OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
So
what does it mean to "Be a Man?"
It
all starts when the doctor announces
INT.
HOSPITAL DELIVERY ROOM -- AFTERNOON
A
room full of MEDICAL PERSONNEL, dressed in full surgical garb. A baby has just been born. The male doctor announces triumphantly
DOCTOR
It's
a Boy!
INT.
DR. ANDERSON'S OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
While
a new father secretly wishes for a baby boy, he really will be happy just to
have a healthy baby, no matter if it's a boy or a girl. But it will just be much easier on the
father if his baby turns out to be a boy.
At least in his mind.
With
a baby boy, the father knows what his son's life will be like.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT.
DANNY WILLIAMS' SUBURBAN BACK YARD -- DAY
MONTAGE
Of
scenes of Danny and his toddler son MASON growing up and learning to do
"Man" things
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
He
knows how it feels to grow up as a young boy, what it feels like to go through
puberty, all the joys and sorrows of life, as a man.
Danny
and Mason PLAYING with construction trucks in a sandbox
PLAYING
FOOTBALL
THROWING
A BASEBALL back and forth
DANNY
WILLIAMS
Like
this, Mason.
Mason
learning to RIDE A BICYCLE.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT.
DR. ANDERSON'S OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
But
if the doctor announces
INT.
HOSPITAL DELIVERY ROOM -- AFTERNOON
In
another room full of surgical-scrub-clad medical staff, another baby has just
been born. This time the male doctor
announces
DOCTOR
It's
a girl.
INT.
DR. ANDERSON'S OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
The
poor father is totally lost. He has no
idea what it will be like for his child as she grows up as a little girl. His imagination begins to run wild,
imagining the next 21 years.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT.
CARL JOHNSON'S SUBURBAN HOME -- DAY
Scenes
of Carl Johnson and his new baby daughter CHERIE as she grows up:
BATHROOM
Carl's
first very awkward attempt at giving his baby daughter a bath in the sink
CHERIE'S
ROOM
Carl
is seated in front of a mirror. 5 year
old Cherie is standing. Cherie appears
to be practicing her techniques, as she applies makeup to Carl. Carl is dutifully being her guinea pig.
LIVING
ROOM
Carl
is seated, reading. 8 year old Cherie
enters.
CHERIE
Dad?
CARL
JOHNSON
Yes
Cherie?
CHERIE
I
need to get a bra.
LIVING
ROOM -- LATER
Carl
is seated, reading. Cherie enters.
CHERIE
Dad?
CARL
JOHNSON
Yes
Cherie?
CHERIE
Dad. I need to buy tampons.
LATER
Carl
is seated, reading. Cherie enters,
dragging a geeky 10 year old boy with her.
CHERIE
Daddy?
CARL
JOHNSON
Yes
Cherie?
CHERIE
This
is Eric, my new boyfriend.
Cherie
introduces ERIC to her Dad. Eric
nervously extends his hand. Carl shakes
it, as he thinks to himself
CARL
JOHNSON
New
boyfriend?
DISSOLVE TO:
INT.
HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM -- EARLIER
Back
to the moment Carl found out he had a daughter.
MATERNITY
NURSE
Congratulations,
Mr. Johnson. You have a healthy new
baby girl!
Carl
looks around the room full of men, desperately looking for reassurance. The men in the waiting room just look at
him, in sympathy.
MEN
(all
together, quietly)
Awwww.
CARL
JOHNSON
Help.
INT.
DR. ANDERSON'S OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
For
the poor father, his life will just be much easier, so he thinks, if that new
baby is a boy.
As
his son grows from childhood into Manhood, it's the father's job to teach his
son to be a man.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT.
SOMEWHERE IN THE WOODS -- AFTERNOON
An
older Danny Williams and his now 17 year old son MASON are on a trip deep into
the woods, experiencing life in the great outdoors together.
EXT./INT.
DANNY WILLIAMS' SUV -- CONTINUOUS
Danny
is driving. Mason rides in the
passenger seat.
MASON
WILLIAMS
Thanks
for bring me along, Dad.
DANNY
WILLIAMS
I'm
glad we could do this together, Mason.
EXT.
SOMEWHERE IN THE WOODS -- LATER
Danny
and Mason are dressed in camouflage hunting outfits. They're each armed with a shotgun. They're hunting in a silent forest.
Danny
and Mason slowly advance through the forest, only feet apart. They appear to be on high alert for signs of
their mighty prey.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
Part
of "Being a Man" involves learning basic survival techniques, like
camping, hunting and fishing.
Suddenly
Danny and Mason both stop. They're
listening, looking around.
The
silence is shattered by the chattering call of a nearby red squirrel. Instantly both Danny and Mason begin BLASTING AWAY with their
shotguns in all directions. They don't
really aim. They're just trying to hit
whatever mighty creature made that sound.
As
the ECHOES of their gunshots fade away, silence returns to the forest. The two look around. Trying to find evidence of their success,
they check behind several trees in the background. Meanwhile, in the foreground, the mischievous RED SQUIRREL climbs
down a nearby tree and scampers away unharmed.
EXT.
RIVER BANK -- LATER
Danny
and Mason decide to try their luck at fishing.
The two are knee deep in the gently flowing river, casting. Danny's fishing rod suddenly bends almost in
half, as he hooks something. Mason runs
over to give Dad a hand. The two of
them struggle to land the monster at the other end of the line.
After
a few minutes, Mason reaches into the water.
He pulls up a 6" TROUT.
Father and son are so proud, smiling broadly.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT.
DANNY WILLIAMS' CORPORATE EXECUTIVE OFFICE -- DAY
Danny
and 17 year old Mason are both in business suits. They are reviewing the family business.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
Another
part of "Being a Man" involves learning about such things as business
and politics
Danny
and Mason go through the motions of reviewing a stack of corporate reports,
projections, spreadsheets, and diagrams.
Mason nods occasionally when Danny shows him drawings of their
products. Danny also shows Mason
pictures of real estate holdings.
DANNY
WILLIAMS
...
and this is our facility in Sayner, Wisconsin.
We've got 80 acres right on the lake ...
INT.
MANUFACTURING PLANT -- CONTINUOUS
Danny
and Mason, accompanied by a PLANT MANAGER, tour their facility.
DANNY
WILLIAMS
Mason,
some day this will all be yours. Don't
tell your sister Patty.
EXT.
COUNTRY CLUB -- DAY
Danny
and Mason play golf with DICK and BRIAN, another father and son team.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
And
we can't forget an appreciation of the fine arts. Of course, in the world of man, fine arts refers to the fine arts
of bullshitting and screwing your fellow men.
A
closer look at the nuances of the golf match reveals numerous instances of
"improving your lie" on both sides.
Each father shows his son how to discreetly kick the ball when the other
side isn't looking.
Once
on the green, each golfer eventually sinks a putt. When all four are finished putting, Mason puts the flagstick back
in the cup. They walk off the green. They then mark their scores.
DICK
Okay,
what'd everybody get? I had a
five. Brian?
BRIAN
Me,
too, Dad. Five here.
DICK
Dan? How'd you do?
DANNY
WILLIAMS
That
double putt cost me. I ended up with a
six, Dick.
MASON
WILLIAMS
Ha! Gotcha all.
Four!
DICK
So
that's 10 for each team, two fives and a six and four. Looks like that hole carries, again. That makes this next hole worth ...
BRIAN
$200
As
they move to the next tee, each father and son team exchange knowing looks with
one another.
INT.
DR. ANDERSON'S OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
But
we cannot forget. Everything these
young boys learn while growing up is designed with one purpose in mind. That's right. Sex.
So
what does golf have to do with sex?
Think about it.
BACK
TO THE GOLF COURSE, TEE SHOTS -- MOMENTS LATER
The
foursome, Dick, Brian, Danny and Mason, tee off.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
The
object of the game is to use a long rod with a big head on the end of it to put
your dimpled balls into a small hole with as few strokes as possible.
INT.
DR. ANDERSON'S OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
Freud
would have had a field day with golf.
Everything
a man does in his life, everything he is taught, all the possessions he
accumulates, are all designed to make sex more accessible.
All
the money a man makes, all the real estate, fancy cars, nice clothes, it's all
for sex.
EXT.
WALL STREET -- DAY
Wall
Street types in business suits hurry in and out of an office building.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
Why
does a man drive himself so hard in business?
EXT.
CAPITOL BUILDING, WASHINGTON DC -- DAY
Washington
DC Congressional dome.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
Why
does a man become a politician? Well,
that one's more along the lines of being able to screw everybody, not just
women.
INT.
DR. ANDERSON'S OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
Here
we think of ourselves as being so evolved, so educated, so refined, with all of
our creations, all our inventions, all our sophistication. Yet when you strip away all the fancy
packaging, it all boils down to our basic human drive for reproduction.
And
this is what lies at the heart of everything a young boy is taught as he grows
to become a man.
So
now the raw naked truth has been exposed.
You heard it here first. Yeah,
right!
But
there's a corollary truth to go with this.
Men not only want sex; men need sex.
FULL
SHOT GRAPHICS PAGE -- "GROWING UP MALE"
INT.
DR. ANDERSON'S OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
There
is a very fundamental genetic drive over which men have very little
control. This drive compels them to
seek sex, to want sex, to do whatever he must do to have sex. As a male ages, he slowly learns to control
this biological urge, and to properly utilize it.
INT.
MIDDLE SCHOOL GYMNASIUM -- DAY
In
one half of the noisy gym a class of 12
YEAR OLD BOYS is playing basketball. On
the other half of the gym a class of 12 YEAR OLD GIRLS is playing
volleyball.
Coaching
the volleyball game is a shapely young teacher, MISS BRANCEL, 25. She's wearing very short shorts and a tight
tee shirt.
Naturally,
the boys and girls are a distraction to one another.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
This
drive is obvious when you look at a group of adolescent males, on the verge of
puberty. This is the most confusing,
frustrating, wonderful scary time of a young man's life.
Let
me just say this. School and puberty
just don't mix very well for young boys.
It's worst in phy ed class, especially when there are girls nearby. Perhaps the worst thing is the attractive
young woman who always gets the job of teaching girls phy ed.
One
of the boy's basketballs gets away, bouncing over to Miss Brancel. She bends over and picks it up, as one of
the boys, TODD, runs over to retrieve the ball. As Miss Brancel hands it back, she briefly touches Todd's hand.
MISS
BRANCEL
Here
you go Todd. Better be careful with
these balls.
TODD
Thanks,
Miss Brancel.
Todd
returns to the game with the rest of the boys.
TODD
She
told me I better be careful with my balls!
The
boys snicker at that remark.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
These
young boys can only take so much, and not very much at that.
The
boys seem to find the girls phy ed teacher especially distracting. Very few baskets are being made, or even
coming close to the basket. Most of the
boys are too busy sneaking glances at Miss Brancel.
One
boy is now 12 year old Mason Williams.
ANGLE
ON MASON
Mason
stops and stares at Miss Brancel for a few seconds. One of the boys shouts at him
TODD
Mason!
A
basketball hits Mason in the side of the head.
He collapses to the floor.
FULL
SHOT , BACK TO GYM SCENE
The
boys gather around him, as both the veteran BOYS PHY ED COACH and Miss Brancel
rush over to help. The girls playing
volleyball stop to see what's happened.
COACH
Okay,
boys, step back. Give him some
room. Mason?
Miss
Brancel kneels over Mason, trying to revive him.
MISS
BRANCEL
Mason? Mason!
Mason
opens his eyes, and sees
MASON'S
P.O.V.
An
angelic looking Miss Brancel looking down at him
MISS
BRANCEL
Are
you okay, Mason?
FULL
SHOT , BACK TO GYM SCENE
Miss
Brancel takes Mason's hand and helps him to his feet.
MASON
I'm
okay, Miss Brancel.
Mason
staggers, off balance. Miss Brancel
catches him.
MISS
BRANCEL
Whoops. Gotcha.
Maybe I better take a closer look at you. Come on, let's go to my office.
Miss
Brancel steadies Mason with her body.
She puts her arm around him, her breasts right at his eye level. Mason definitely notices this.
Miss
Brancel walks him toward the gym exit doors.
Just before they exit, Mason glances back at his friends. He has a
huge grin on his face. Mason and
Miss Brancel exit.
The
boys smile, shake their heads, and go back to their basketball game. Occasionally they look over at the girls,
who've gone back to playing volleyball.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
Remember,
these pubescent boys have very little control over their bodies, and even
though a jock is designed so as to suppress such manifestations, it can only do
so much. Sooner, seldom later, comes
the inevitable reaction.
The
BOYS PHY ED COACH blows his WHISTLE.
Most of the boys begin to exit the gym, except for Todd. Todd stands
there watching the girls play volleyball, with a very peculiar look on
his face.
COACH
Coming,
Todd?
TODD
Almost
... give me a second Coach.
INT.
BOYS MIDDLE SCHOOL LOCKER ROOM -- MOMENTS LATER
The
sweaty young boys come into the locker room, strip, and shower.
BOYS
SHOWER -- CONTINUOUS
There
are the occasional glances being sneaked downward in the direction of the
tallest of the boys.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
It's
also the origin of the male debate known as "length vs. width." Much blessed is the young boy who enters
puberty before the rest of his friends do, for his is the penis which will
forever be thought of as the largest ... as long as he doesn't foolishly strip
off his gym clothes while still aroused.
BOYS
MIDDLE SCHOOL LOCKER ROOM -- MOMENTS LATER
There's
the inevitable towel snapping incident as the boys dry off and get dressed.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
Woe
be it to any boy who tries to shower while still erect. No school age boy wants to see another boy's
erect penis in the shower. It means the
boy is gay, and he might be contagious!
The
boys finish dressing and leave.
INT.
MIDDLE SCHOOL CLASSROOM -- LATER
The
same group of boys is sitting in class.
There are girls in class too.
The boys' attentions are riveted to MISS GRIEFE. She's a Shapely woman, 29, glasses, long
hair pulled back in a pony tail, wearing a short leather skirt and tight
sweater. Miss Griefe is standing at the
front of the classroom. She's reading
from an open book.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
Outside
of phy ed class, pubescent young boys are also susceptible to every attractive
young teacher in school, especially the ones called "Miss."
MISS
GRIEFE
Isn't
that right?
BOYS
(in
unison)
Yes,
Miss Griefe.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
Every
boy knows this means she's not married, and he just knows she's secretly
interested in him. After all, he's
already started shaving, and soon he'll be a man. She'll really want him then!
One
boy, the same Todd we saw in the gym, begins to close his eyes.
EXT.
SUNNY BEACH -- DAY
Todd
is imagining his own private fantasy.
SLOW
MOTION
Miss
Griefe is still wearing the same outfit she had on in class. She takes her glasses off. She takes her hair out of it's pony
tail. She shakes her head to toss her
hair. She begins to take off her
sweater ...
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
As
long as she doesn't do something to embarrass him.
MISS
GRIEFE
(in
the fantasy)
...
Todd ...
INT.
MIDDLE SCHOOL CLASSROOM -- CONTINUOUS
Back
to reality
MISS
GRIEFE
Todd? Could you please come up in front and read
the next paragraph?
TODD
Um
... no.
MISS
GRIEFE
Come
on, Todd. I know you can do this for
me.
TODD
Um
... not right now, okay?.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
This
might also account for why so many men fear speaking in public. You just never know when or where that thing
might decide to pop up again all on it's own.
INT.
DR. ANDERSON'S OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
Another
part of becoming a man is learning male rituals.
INT.
DANNY WILLIAMS' BATHROOM -- MORNING
Danny
is shaving with foam and a razor. His 5
year old son Mason comes in and wants to learn how to shave.
MASON
Whatcha
doing, Dad?
DANNY
I'm
shaving, Mason.
MASON
What's
shaving?
DANNY
Daddy
has to scrape the whiskers off his face every morning.
MASON
Why?
DANNY
Because
Mommy likes Daddy that way.
MASON
I
want Mommy to like me too. Can I shave
too?
DANNY
Okay. Here, let me show you how.
Danny
shows Mason how to apply the shaving cream.
He shows Mason how to use a toy razor to scrape the foam off his
face. And as he stands there watching
his son try to shave, Danny's eyes reflect the pride he's feeling about his
son.
INT.
HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM -- FLASHBACK
Danny
remembers when he first heard he had a son.
MATERNITY
NURSE
Congratulations,
Mr. Williams. It's a boy!
DANNY
WILLIAMS
Yahoo! All Right!
Yes! I knew it! All Right.
INT.
DANNY WILLIAMS' BATHROOM -- CONTINUOUS
CLOSE
UP on Danny's eyes
INT.
DANNY WILLIAMS' FATHER'S HOUSE -- YEARS EARLIER
Danny
also remembers growing up, when his father, JAMES WILLIAMS, sat him down and
told him some things about being a man.
JAMES
WILLIAMS
Danny,
now that you're old enough to shave, there's something I should tell you about
life.
YOUNG
DANNY WILLIAMS
Is
this going to be about girls, Dad?
JAMES
WILLIAMS
Yes,
Danny, about girls. And much more. I want to tell you something about being a
man.
Danny's
father has a talk with young Danny.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
Men
have another law they must live by:
There shall be no close physical contact between males after puberty,
because that's what causes homosexuality.
Only
on extremely rare occasions, when their emotions become so overwhelming that
they cannot be suppressed, are men allowed to briefly embrace other men, such
as when their team wins the Super Bowl.
Young
Danny stands up and shakes his father's hand.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
At
all other times, male to male contact is restricted to a handshake...
DANNY
WILLIAMS' BATHROOM -- CONTINUOUS
Back
to the previous shaving scene. Danny
smiles, and chuckles briefly.
INT.
DR. ANDERSON'S OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
...
or a punch. Ass slapping is reserved
for professional athletes.
FULL
SHOT GRAPHICS PAGE -- "MALE BONDING"
INT.
DR. ANDERSON'S OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
We've
all heard of the term "Male Bonding." It's one of those collective terms we use to describe the many,
sometimes unexplainable, rituals men go through together as men. But just what exactly is male
bonding, and why do men need to bond?
EXT.
WILD WILD PREHISTORIC WEST OPEN RANGE -- DAY
A
single prehistoric man (Homo sapiens this time) who bears a striking
resemblance to the Mormon Father we saw earlier. He leads his prehistoric "family" of several women and
children as they walk across the land.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
Men,
by nature, are solitary creatures. Men
view other men as rivals, as the enemy, especially when it comes to women. Mother Nature has decreed that men shall
compete with other men for the right to
breed. In the natural world, only the
strongest, the fastest, the smartest males get to breed, to insure the survival
of the species.
INT.
FITNESS CENTER, PRESENT DAY -- DAY
A
room full of toned men and women, exercising.
They are checking each other out.
The camera pans up and down, showing their fit, lean sweating bodies.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
The
strength of nature's law is not lost on today's men. To a man, another man is always a rival for the affections of a
woman. There is always someone better
out there, on the prowl, just waiting to take away my woman!
FULL
SHOT INSIDE FITNESS CENTER
MEN
(collectively)
[primitive
grunt in agreement with Dr. Anderson]
INT.
DR. ANDERSON'S OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
How,
then, can men possibly reconcile this primitive fear and distrust of other men
with the rituals of male bonding?
Dr.
Anderson gets up and walks to her easel.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
Simple.
Men
of like minds bond together to defend against the common enemy. And the common enemy of man ...
She
flips to the next page on the easel, to reveal a centerfold picture of a woman.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
...
is woman.
Dr.
Anderson returns to her desk.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
That's
right. Woman. The object of man's desires.
The most beautiful creature on the planet. The focus of everything a man does. Woman is also the enemy of man.
Why?
Because
women are creatures of mystery to men.
QUICK
FLASHBACKS, AS DR. ANDERSON CONTINUES.
- Cro Magnon Men
- Prehistoric Mormon Man
- Construction workers at construction site
- Male Centerfold
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
No
man, in the entire history of mankind, has ever been able to fully and
completely understand women.
- Room full of Expectant Fathers
- Male Doctor
INT.
CHURCH -- DAY
CLOSE
UP
Of
Jesus on the Cross
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
Jesus
came close a few years back, but even He couldn't figure out women.
Jesus
briefly shakes his head and shrugs his shoulders.
INT.
DR. ANDERSON'S OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
People
tend to make fun of things they don't understand. That's why men make fun of women, and, when threatened, come
together in mutual defense against the common enemy. Men often feel threatened by women, and, over time, have
developed many defensive rituals, which we call male bonding.
One
note. Male bonding should not be
confused with male teaching. Teaching
happens between males of different generations, as when
INT.
DANNY WILLIAMS' LIVING ROOM -- EVENING
Danny
and his 17 year old son Mason are sitting around their living room. Mason sits on the couch and Danny is in his
favorite recliner. There's a 12-pack of
beer on a coffee table in front of the couch.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
A
father teaches his son to drink.
Danny
opens a beer and demonstrates proper beer technique. Mason then imitates the action, finishing off the beer like a
pro, in one long gulp.
EXT.
THE WILLIAMS' SUBURBAN NEIGHBORHOOD -- CONTINUOUS
SOUND
of long loud BEEELCH, that ECHOES through the neighborhood.
INT.
DANNY WILLIAMS' LIVING ROOM -- CONTINUOUS
Danny
beams with pride. He and Mason high
five one another.
INT.
DR. ANDERSON'S OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
Male
bonding happens between males of any age who are not closely related, and
usually involves alcohol. The ritual
usually also involves any number of corollary activity.
MONTAGE
A
series of scenes of a group of men, including our burly construction workers
and three of their friends: BILL, 35, SAM, 25, and JACK, 30. These six men are doing "man"
things together.
EXT.
BASEBALL STADIUM -- DAY
The
men enjoy a baseball game, beers in hand.
They cheer with the rest of the crowd as a home run ball lands a few
rows away from their seats.
INT.
RUSTIC HUNTING CABIN -- EVENING
In
a thick cloud of cigar smoke, the men are seated around a dining table. They're playing poker. There are beer cans all over the
table. And a large pile of chips is in
the middle of the table.
EXT.
RIVER BANK -- DAY
The
men try their luck at fishing.
They're
wearing the requisite fishing vests and floppy fishing hats. They each have partial 6-packs of beer
looped through their belts.
Fishing
is evidently hard to do in a river when you've had a few too many beers to
drink. The consequences are
involuntarily demonstrated by SAM.
Sam
wades out into the flowing water, looses his balance, and gets swept
downstream. When his buddies finally
fish him out of the river, they hand him a beer, which brings a smile to Sam's
face.
INT.
ADULT STRIP CLUB -- EVENING
The
men, each with a beer in one hand and dollar bills in the other, cheer. There's a dancer on stage in front of them.
EXT.
HIGHWAY -- LATER
The
men, now packed into Max's full sized SUV, are still having a good time. Soon, a POLICE CAR tries to pull them over.
HARRY
Ditch
'em, Max!
Echoing
the sentiment, the Men urge Max on.
MEN
Yeah! Ditch 'em!
Ditch 'em!
SAM
C'mon,
Max! Go for it!
JOE
Let's
see what this thing can do.
Max
takes them on a wild ride through the rural highways and into the suburban
streets they call home. They don't seem
to notice that they ditched their pursuer miles back.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
Strangely
enough, the longer any one of these rituals goes on, the more of them seem to
blend over into each other.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT.
COLLEGE FRATERNITY HOUSE -- NIGHT
It's
a frat party, complete with, you guessed it, beer. Beer is everywhere. Most
of it is in a container of some sort.
Two
of the larger FRATERNITY BROTHERS eye each other up. They begin to square off.
The FRAT PARTY CROWD forms a circle around them. The murmuring crowd urges them on.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
Perhaps
the strangest male bonding ritual involves something known as "head
butting." Quite simply, this
involves two grown men lowering their heads and running into each other at full
speed, head first, like two bighorn sheep butting heads in an effort to win
mating rights to the ewes.
The
two Fraternity Brothers square off, lower their heads, and crash headlong into
one another.
STOCK
SHOT OF 2 BIGHORN SHEEP BUTTING HEADS
The
loud CRACK of the impact echoes through the hills.
INT.
COLLEGE FRAT HOUSE -- CONTINUOUS
The
two Frat Boys stagger backward, as the crowd lets out a collective
FRAT
PARTY GOERS
Ouch!
The
Frat Boys regain their balance.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
While
this might be a turn-on for the female sheep, very few women seem to find this
practice arousing. For the men involved,
though, it seems to be just another version of that other favorite male game of
"Who Has the Biggest Penis?"
Someone
hands each of the two Frat Boys...a beer!
Both Frat Boys slam their beer.
The crowd CHEERS. The party
continues, with beer for everyone.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
Nature's
law that only the strongest, the fastest, the smartest males get to breed
doesn't always hold true on college campuses.
INT.
DR. ANDERSON'S OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
What
all male bonding rituals have in common is an occasion that allows men to be
men, in all their disgusting glory. Men
relax, have a good time together, and commiserate together about women.
Men
don't care what other men look like. In
fact, part of male bonding is trying to see who has the most disgusting
physical features.
INT.
RUSTIC HUNTING CABIN -- EARLIER
The
evening poker party we saw earlier is dying down. The men decide it's time to compare themselves.
JOE
CONSTRUCTION WORKER
Hey,
Harry. I'll bet Sam here's got more
earwax than you do.
HARRY
No
way. No one's got more earwax than me.
JOE
Wanna
bet?
HARRY
I
got $20 that says I do.
JOE
Okay. Sam, dig me out a big gob o' that wax of
yours.
Harry
and Sam start digging in their ears. They
twist and bend themselves into all manner of contortions in an attempt to dig
deep. After a few minutes, they proudly
display their nuggets on the table for all to see.
HARRY
Told
ya! I win.
JOE
Okay,
okay. Wanna go double or nothing on
belly button lint with Jack?
HARRY
Hey
Jack. You still saving lint?
JACK
(proudly
displaying his fine apparel)
How
do you think I made this sweater?
HARRY
(chuckles)
Sounds
like a sucker bet to me. Nope.
Just
then, an anonymous but very audible BUUURP is heard.
MEN
(collectively)
Awwww!
SAM
Okay,
who did that?
JACK
Why?
SAM
'Cuz
mine's longer.
JOE
We're
talking about burping here, Sam.
SAM
Anyone
wanna take me on?
MAX
I'll
give it a shot.
HARRY
They
can only use one beer each!
JACK
You
guys ready?
Sam
and Max each slam a beer, then adjust themselves to get prepared. Both nod.
BILL
GO!
Both
Sam and Max let out award-winning BUUUUURPs, straining to maintain them as long
as possible. Max completes his burp
first, and gasps for breath. Seconds
later, Sam stops, smiling.
SAM
(smugly)
I
win.
MAX
Whaddaya
mean? Mine was louder.
SAM
I
claimed mine was the longest. You
stopped first. I win.
MAX
I
thought we were going for loudest. Mine
was louder.
JOE
You
guys never really said which way we were gonna judge it.
JACK
How
about stinkiest?
ANGLE
ON JACK
An
ominous rumbling sound begins to emanate from deep within his body, growing
louder, more forceful, and more deadly.
It suddenly bursts forth in all it's glory.
FULL
SHOT OF THE ROOM
SOUND
of a very loud FAAAART
JACK
(very
satisfied)
Aaahhhh!
MEN
(collectively)
AAAWWWW!!
The
men pretend to be choking on the fumes.
They cough. They gag. They begin to head toward the door.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
Men
just can't do these things in the company of women.
Now,
let me just say a few things about the male body.
FULL
SHOT GRAPHICS PAGE -- "THE MALE BODY: FUNCTIONS, SOUNDS & DESIGN"
INT.
DR. ANDERSON'S OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
I'm
not going to give you a biology lesson on male anatomy. That's for another day. I'm a psychologist by training, so I want to
share with you a little information about the
psychology of the male body.
Dr.
Anderson again gets up and walks over to her easel. She flips the page.
There's a drawing of a man's head, with a small walnut where the brain
should be.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
A
man's brain and a man's body are two different things, and they don't always
cooperate with one another. At least,
that's what they want women to believe.
There are times when this might be true, but for the most part, a man
can usually get his body to do almost anything he wants it to do, on demand, as
we just saw in the cabin.
EXT.
RUSTIC HUNTING CABIN -- MOMENTS LATER
The
cabin door opens. A family of red
squirrels scampers out.
The
men exit the cabin, gasping for breathable air after Jack's little eruption of
noxious fumes. Jack is the last to come
out.
HARRY
Leave
the door open so it'll air out.
SAM
Yeah,
good job, Jack.
BILL
Who's
got the beer?
The
men stop. They Look at each other. Then they all look at Jack.
JOE
Get
the beer, Jack.
Jack
looks at them.
MAX
Get
the beer, Jack.
Jack
turns around, looking back at the cabin.
Bracing himself, Jack takes a deep breath. He dashes back into the cabin.
He returns in seconds with a 12-pack.
BILL
Oh,
sure, you get the light beer. Figures.
JACK
It
was the closest one. You want something
else, feel free to go back in and get it yourself.
HARRY
Besides,
light beer's less filling.
SAM
Tastes
great.
HARRY
& BILL
Less
filling.
JACK
& SAM
Tastes
great!
HARRY
& BILL & MAX
Less
filling!
JACK
& SAM & JOE
Tastes
great!
HARRY
& BILL & MAX
Less
filling!
Sam
grabs a beer, opens it, and takes a drink.
The rest of the men watch him, waiting.
A few seconds later Sam renders his verdict.
SAM
It's
less filling.
The
men all grab a beer.
MAX
So
now that that's finally settled, what
are we gonna do next?
Jack
farts again. Which the men decide to
turn into a full participation contest.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
Men
have developed farting into a form of art unto itself. And just as there are artists who specialize
in their art form, so, too, are there
men whose specialty is a particular fart.
As
Dr. Anderson describes each form of fart, one man after another demonstrates
for us.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
You
have your windbags, which are mostly hot air;
Joe
farts
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
Your
strong silent types, which everyone notices without the need to announce their
arrival;
Max
farts.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
The
blowhards, which are just as strong, but which have a need to loudly trumpet
their arrival;
Harry
farts
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
You
have your comedians and ticklers, both of which will be laughing as they create
their art;
Sam
farts and then Bill farts
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
And
then there are the deep, penetrating types, who just burn themselves deep into
your senses and never go away.
Jack
erupts again.
HARRY
Aww,
Jack! It wasn't bad enough you
fumigated the cabin?
Waving
their hands in front of their faces, the men walk away. The men walk to the
OTHER
SIDE OF THE CABIN
Bill
brings up the rear this time, as he emits a few short little farts.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
Finally,
there are a few weak timid ones, who barely let you know they're around.
The
men settle into lawn chairs, drinking their beer. The chairs are arranged around a circle of rocks that's used for
a fire ring. Max builds them a nice
campfire.
Before
long, all that beer drinking causes the men to have to answer the call of
nature.
One
by one, the men get up.
HARRY
S'cuze
me, fellas. I gotta go take a leak.
SAM
Me
too.
JOE
Sounds
like a good idea to me.
BILL
Might
as well join you guys too.
The
men walk to the edge of the yard. The
men line up next to one another to urinate.
Without saying a word, they
decide to turn even this into a competition. The urine streams begin to angle outward, pooling farther and
farther away from the sources.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
When
it comes to men, if their bodies can produce it, they'll usually find a way to
develop it into a contest of some sort.
Burping, farting, even "peeing for distance." It's all fair game for men. And just for men. They won't do this in front of women ... unless a woman is a
contestant in the competition.
An
old favorite when this occurs is the always interesting "Who's Got The
Biggest Breasts" contest.
INT.
ADULT STRIP CLUB -- LATER
The
group is enjoying the show. A somewhat
smaller-breasted DANCER comes on stage and begins dancing.
Bill
makes an observation.
BILL
Hey! I'll bet Harry here's got bigger jugs than
she does.
JOE
I
think you're right, Bill.
Harry
begins to dance in his chair. The men
encourage him.
MAX
C'mon
Harry. Show us what you got.
MEN
Harry! Harry!
Harry
climbs on stage. He begins to dance for
the crowd, shimmying his chest as he imitates the dancer's moves.
Playing
along, the dancer shimmies next to Harry.
The two of them perform for the crowd.
Most of the all-male crowd is cheering for Harry.
STRIP
CLUB CROWD
Harry! Harry!
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
Just
be careful, ladies. If you ever get
caught up in one of these contests, know that it sometimes leads to a game of
naked twister.
CUT TO:
INT.
DANNY WILLIAMS' LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT
Danny
sits in his recliner. His wife,
CAROLINE, lays on the couch. They're
watching an old movie on tv.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
When
a man let's you hear the sounds his body makes, it means he feels comfortable
with you.
Danny
burps quietly. Caroline looks at him.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
Try
not to be too offended, as long as he excuses himself.
DANNY
Oh,
I'm sorry, Caroline. Excuse me.
Moments
later, Danny burps again. Caroline
glares at him.
DANNY
(pauses)
Oh,
excuse me.
And
again
DANNY
Oh,
excuse me.
By
now, Caroline is getting annoyed at Danny.
Danny seems to be doing this on purpose. He burps again, and smiles at Caroline.
DANNY
Oh,
excuse me.
Caroline
throws a pillow at him. He throws it
right back, and burps again.
CAROLINE
Why,
you ...
Danny
gets up, and playfully attacks Caroline on the couch. They wrestle with one another, until Danny stands up and takes
Caroline by the hand.
CAROLINE
If
you want to see me naked, you better promise you'll stop making those
disgusting noises.
DANNY
But
I said excuse me.
CAROLINE
I
can excuse you once. After that, you'd
better control yourself. Remember that.
DANNY
Yes,
Dear.
CAROLINE
That's
better. Now, shall we go give your Mr.
Winky a workout?
As
they leave the room
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
And
for some odd reason, men have this compulsion to name their penises.
CUT TO:
EXT.
BUSY CITY SIDEWALK -- EVENING
In
a quick series of street interviews, men are confessing their secret names for
their penises.
FEMALE
REPORTER
Do
you have a favorite pet name for your penis?
VARIOUS
MEN IN SUCCESSION
-
Me Compadre'
-
My Little Buddy
-
Mr. Smiley
-
Little Buddha
-
The Sausage
-
Schwang
-
The Old Evinrude
-
The Rooster
-
The Snake
-
Salami
-
The Python
-
Simba
-
The Heavy Artillery
-
15 Pounds Of Swinging Meat
-
My Bratwurst Looking For the Bun
-
Mr. Johnson
INT.
DR. ANDERSON'S OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS
Dr.
Anderson returns to her desk and sits down.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
Men! You guys can be pretty funny sometimes.
Since
we're on the subject, you should know something else about men and their
"Little Buddies."
In
a man's mind, you either use it or lose it.
It's just that simple. And men
can't even think about the possibility of losing it.
EXT.
AROUND CAMPFIRE AT RUSTIC CABIN -- MOMENTS LATER
The
men are sitting around the campfire.
HARRY
Hey
Max. Can I ask you something?
MAX
No,
I'm not gonna scratch your ass again.
JACK
Again?
MAX
Don't
ask.
HARRY
No,
no. Not that. I'm being serious here now.
MAX
Okay,
Harry. What is it this time?
HARRY
You
ever have, you know....problems?
MAX
What
sort of "problems?"
HARRY
Problems. With...you know.
MAX
Problems
with what Harry?
HARRY
Problems. Man problems.
MAX
You
mean with....?
HARRY
Yeah. It ever happen to you?
MAX
Nope. Never.
JACK
Something
go wrong with the old Harold Johnson there?
HARRY
It's
not funny, Jack.
JACK
The
old stallion didn't come out of the gate for the last race?
HARRY
Stop
joking about it.
JACK
Mr.
Turtle never made it out of his shell?
HARRY
Okay,
Jack. Knock it off.
JACK
The
old sausage kinda went bad before she could eat it?
HARRY
It's
not funny Jack. Quit making jokes.
INT.
DR. ANDERSON'S OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
Men
can't even joke about it. That's bad
luck.
So
they use it. And use it. And try to use it. And they think about using it, all day long.
As
long as he keeps it running and in good shape, with regular service and proper
oil changes, keeping it properly lubricated, it'll last him a lifetime.
FULL
SHOT GRAPHICS PAGE -- "SEX? LOVE?
WHATEVER ..."
INT.
DR. ANDERSON'S OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
What
do you think of when you say "Let's make love." For a man, it means "I want to have
sex." Men differentiate between
sex and love, and most of the time they just want sex.
A
man needs sex as an integral component of love.
INT.
CONSTRUCTION WORKER MAX'S LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT
Pajama
clad Max is half asleep in front of his television. The
SOUNDS
of
Some
of that FUNKY 70'S MUSIC and a few GRUNTS and MOANS
From
the television let us know he's watching something pornographic.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
A
man can have sex with any number of women, the ultimate male fantasy. But he can only make love to a very special
woman, someone whom he cares very deeply about, with whom he has a strong
emotional bond.
Max's
40 year old wife ELIZABETH, in her negligee,
enters the living room. She sees
what's on tv, smiles, and has a seat on Max's lap. Max is suddenly wide awake.
They begin to fool around.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
Just
as a woman needs to feel loved to enjoy sex, a man needs sex in order to feel
loved.
Men
can, and often do, have sex without any feelings of love, and will even use sex
as a way to help them fall in love with a woman. It takes years of practice to get it just right.
INT.
DR. ANDERSON'S OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
Coincidentally,
perhaps, a women will also use sex to make a man fall in love with her. Sometimes these things just work out.
INT.
FITNESS CENTER -- DAY
Men
and women working out, and checking each other out.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
So
what makes men and women attractive to one another? The most obvious characteristic is sheer physical prowess.
CAMERA
PANS UP AND DOWN FIT, LEAN BODIES
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
The
most physically impressive male and female specimens attract one another like
magnets. It's only natural. Only in today's world, there's seldom
anything natural about them, thanks to steroids and silicon.
EXT.
BEVERLY HILLS MANSION -- DAY
Outside
the type of mansion every would-be Hollywood star hopes to live in one day.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
Another
characteristic that has evolved with man is the invention of wealth, the
accumulation of money and the ability to create more of it. Money by itself is virtually useless, but it
provides a man with the means to acquire the things a woman wants, whatever
they might be.
EXT.
SHOPS ALONG RODEO DRIVE -- DAY
Taking
a tour past the upscale shops that cater to the rich and famous.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
By
giving a woman what she wants, men expect that women will then give them what
they want - sex.
And
that's usually what happens. Life's
funny that way.
FULL
ON SHOT OF PICTURE OF NERDY BILL GATES
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
While
it's widely believed that a woman will want a man for his intelligence, his
caring, or his love, these things won't always put food on the table.
How
far do you think poor Bill Gates got on his looks alone?
INT.
DR. ANDERSON'S OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
Intellect
is merely a means of acquiring wealth, which can then be traded for sex. And for a man, there is only limited caring
or love without sex.
Any
otherwise perfect man who is denied sex will quickly lose interest in a woman,
no matter how great she is. He'll soon
be looking for another woman to fill and fulfill his sexual needs.
Remember
that a man is biologically driven to breed with many females. It's only society's admonitions that keep a
man faithful and committed to one single woman.
INT.
DANNY WILLIAMS' KITCHEN -- EVENING
Danny
and Caroline are both preparing dinner together.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
By
now you've probably heard that a man wants his woman to be like his mother in
the kitchen, a lady in public, and a whore in the bedroom. It's true.
Men love to eat, and love to eat well.
A woman who can't cook for her man, or worse, won't, is almost as bad as
a woman who won't sleep with a man.
Good
food, good wine, good sex. They're all
satisfying to a man. And they all make
a man sleep better, too.
INT.
FANCY RESTAURANT -- EVENING
Danny
and Caroline have gotten all dressed up and gone to a nice restaurant for
dinner.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
Of
course, it's nice to get out of the kitchen once in a while, too.
In
a public setting, a woman is a trophy a man can show off to his fellow
men. The more men who lust after that
woman, the higher the man ranks on the male pecking order. Just don't touch her!
As
the two of them enjoy their dinner, Danny reveals the secret thoughts of a man.
DANNY
WILLIAMS
That's
right guys. Take a good look. She's mine.
All mine! You guys keep your
dirty hands off her. You all want her,
you can't have her, she's sleeping with me!
Nya
nya nya nya.
If
she looks that good with her clothes on, just imagine her naked. Oh, that's right. I don't have to imagine it.
I've seen her naked. And I'm
going to see her naked again tonight.
Eat
your hearts out, guys!
She's
beautiful. She's smart. And I'm having sex with her! Ha!
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
Ah,
the secret thoughts of men.
Of
course, women, too, react in much the same way.
As
one woman looks at Caroline, and at Danny, she thinks
WOMAN
IN RESTAURANT
I
wonder what it is about him that would make her want to sleep with him?
INT.
DR. ANDERSON'S OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
The
more desirable a woman is, the higher the man is viewed in the eyes of his
fellow men.
That's
the way men think! That's why they work
so hard all day long, to make enough money to be able to do these things.
Dr.
Anderson stands up again and walks to her bookcases. she pulls out a magazine.
Returning to her desk, she begins idly flipping through the magazine.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
It
all goes back to that old male dominance contest of "Who's Got the Biggest
Penis?" And there's even a
magazine that devotes an entire issue to answering that question every year.
She
holds up the magazine to reveal the cover.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
It's
the Forbes 400 list, and I highly recommend you ladies picking up a copy. And since that list now includes a few
women, perhaps there is something to that penis envy theory.
FULL
SHOT GRAPHICS PAGE -- "CAREERS, JOBS & FAMILY"
INT.
DR. ANDERSON'S OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
The
women on that Forbes list are generally referred to as "career
women." Women have
"careers" while men get jobs.
Since everyone's working for a living these days, all these labels seems
kind of silly, if you ask me.
EXT.
BUSY CITY CONSTRUCTION SITE -- DAY
The
guys are hard at work.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
We
no longer have construction workers.
They're now all redevelopment engineers.
REVERSE
ANGLE ON THE BUSY CITY STREET
A
city bus goes by.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
Bus
drivers have become transportation coordinators.
EXT.
GARBAGE TRUCK PICKING UP TRASH -- EARLY MORNING
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
Garbage
men now work for the sanitation
department.
INT.
MIDDLE SCHOOL CAFETERIA -- LATE MORNING
The
kitchen staff are busy preparing lunch for the kids.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
There's
no such thing as a cook any more. Now
they're all nutritionists, or caterers, or full fledged chefs.
INT.
MIDDLE SCHOOL HALLWAY -- LATE AFTERNOON
A
janitor is mopping the floors.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
There
are no more janitors. They're now
custodial engineers.
EXT.
BEVERLY HILLS MANSION -- AFTERNOON
A
STRAPPING YOUNG MAN, 20, is mowing the vast lawn.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
You
can't just hire somebody to cut your lawn any more. Now you have to have a landscape artist and a groundskeeper to do
the job.
INT.
BEST BUY ELECTRONICS STORE -- AFTERNOON
A
young SALESMAN is talking with construction worker Max.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
Salesmen
have become purchasing consultants, or account managers, or associates.
INT.
NEIGHBORHOOD BAR -- NIGHT
Back
to our earlier scene, as our construction workers enjoy their beer in their
favorite local bar. Only this time the
camera's on the bartender.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
Bartenders
have evolved into mixologists, beverage consultants, and the neighborhood
resident psychologist, serving their pearls of wisdom along with a shot of
tequila to help you understand.
INT.
DR. ANDERSON'S OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
It's
not enough in our society today to simply have a job. Everyone has to have a career.
EXT.
STUDIO COMMISSARY -- LUNCH TIME
The
PRODUCER and the STUDIO EXECUTIVE who put up the money for this movie have
decided to dine al fresco today. They
find a table and sit down.
DR.
LESLIE ANDERSON
Just
ask any waiter in New York or L.A.
PRODUCER
I
think we have a hit with this movie.
STUDIO
EXECUTIVE
I
hope so, for what I'm putting into it this year.
PRODUCER
We
picked a great script. We have a
terrific up and coming director. We
just need to flush out the cast and we're all set to go.
Their
WAITER brings them water and menus.
STUDIO
EXECUTIVE
Tell
me, son. Do you enjoy being a waiter?
WAITER
Oh,
I'm not really a waiter. I'm a writer
slash actor. I'm just doing research so
I can meet people and find out more about them, so I can use the experience in
my latest screenplay. My agent told me
this would be a good way to learn about life.
STUDIO
EXECUTIVE
I
see. And how long have you been doing
this research now?
WAITER
Three
years next week.
STUDIO
EXECUTIVE
And
how's your screenplay coming along?
WAITER
I've
got about 328 pages so far. It's really
good. I think I'm almost finished with
it.
STUDIO
EXECUTIVE
Good
luck with your career, kid.
The
waiter leaves.
PRODUCER
Wow. I never knew there were so many undiscovered
actors and writers right here in the commissary.